What's Love Got to Do With...Codependency?

Codependency is defined by Mental Health America as, "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Codependency is not an 'issue' that often takes center stage in the likes of commercials, movies, music, television shows or the typical 1980's PSA movement.  When we hear the word 'codependent', we automatically think of alcoholics or drug addicts and the relationships they find themselves in with their substance of choice.  Or it refers to the spouse or family member of an addict.  There is codependency without alcohol or drugs involved.  People can find themselves addicted to a relationship; a husband and wife, or a child/parent relationship.  Not only has it not been something that's been discussed, I think that subliminally society has perpetuated it on some level.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I think that there are lots of underlying messages in songs, movies, commercials, and social media, all of which parents have been or should be concerned about and lots of those issues have been addressed in some way or another.  I remember as a kid passing through the living room while Tipper Gore droned on in the background about labeling cassette tapes for explicit language in music. Movies and reality television shows often showcase issues like pregnancy out of wedlock (I'm looking at you, Candice Bergen of Murphy Brown), abortion, drug use, smoking, etc to desensitize the public to these issues, even though some of them are wrong in the eyes of God.

Commercials also obviously work their way into our psyche with messages about products and foods and clothes.  "Buy this and you'll look beautiful."  "Eat this and lose weight."  Music also plays a HUGE role in shaping who we are.  The messages they send out are so subliminal, though, that sometimes we don't even know that our minds are being shaped or molded by what we're listening to.

My journey to become more healthy mentally started about five years ago.  I was first introduced to the word codependency in a very real way when I discovered that my husband and I were in a codependent relationship.  Neither one of us has substance abuse issues, but we have self-esteem issues.  That was a light bulb moment for me.  I wish I had paid a bit more attention to it then, but my eyes had definitely been opened.  As it says on the Mental Health America website, the first step is to understand the problem.  Then you'll need to educate yourself on the issue so that you can 'unlearn' those behaviors.

As I've been going through this journey of self-discovery and learning to implement more of the healthy behaviors I've learned in therapy, I started to wonder if there could have been more of an accurate message in the depiction of love and marriage interwoven into the movies and messages and songs produced over the years.  What we hear on the radio at times and see in the movies is completely unrealistic.  We start off as little girls dreaming of Prince Charming when we watch Cinderella and Snow White.  We start to believe that a man is going to rescue us and take care of us for the rest of our lives.  It's not just movies for children that perpetuate this idea; adult movies do the same thing.

We hear on the movies lines like, "You complete me."  Sounds good and all the females in the audience swoon, but I'm here to remind you, that's not love.  That's called codependency.  When you rely on others, or someone relies on you, for their identity of their sense of worth, you've got a problem.  This is something I wish was discussed more often in Hollywood circles, but sadly, that doesn't sell tickets, so, yeah.

So besides this Jesus blog being a place to share my own personal faith and my journey to being a better version of Kelly, I would love for this to be a place for practical application as well.  If  any of what I've written about sounds familiar to you, but you aren't sure if you're in a codependent relationship, click this link here to read through a list of qualifiers of what constitutes one.  If you are in an unhealthy relationship, if you are contemplating marriage, (or a divorce), I would encourage you to see a licensed marriage counselor or an individual counselor to get the help you need.  Please also remember that there's absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.

What's Love Got to do With it?

Today something hit me really hard between the eyes. I think it may have been love. Can love hit you between the eyes? I heard these words in my head, “Love is daring greatly”. I really believe that. When we open ourselves up to others in love, we are taking a chance. We are daring greatly.

For example, when we are dating someone and we feel the urge to say those three little words we all long to hear, sometimes we hold back. What’s the reason? What holds us back? I’ll tell you what holds us back; fear. Fear of rejection more specifically. However, when we do find the courage to muster up the words, it feels like time stands still a little bit. What's the reason? You’re waiting to hear them said to you in return usually. It doesn’t matter, though really what the other person says back to you because you dared greatly.

It says in 1 John 4:16-19, “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

Perfect love drives out fear. What does that have to do with daring greatly? Everything, actually. What I am sure of is that God is perfect and His will for us is to abide in His perfect love. Therefore, if you're abiding in his love, then you should have nothing to fear. No matter the circumstances of the world around us. No matter the pain or heartache you may be experiencing. No matter if you have a job or not. No matter if you’re married or divorced or single.

Even though we aren’t perfect, his power is made perfect in our weakness. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus tells us, “...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Now I get it when Apostle Paul says that, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

What if we made mistakes because we weren’t secure in who we were in God? What if we weren’t allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell in us because we were filled with fear and other things that made it impossible for the Spirit to reside and dwell and flow through you? What if we trusted God completely and totally and humbly through EVERYTHING? How much better off would we be? What if we tried compassion? What if we tried to see things from other’s point of view?

I've written about this several times on the Jesus blog as I'm calling it. I could write about love every day for the rest of my life and I could write something different about it every time. Most important thing to note or write, though, is that God is love. That's the truth. Not some cheesy, hackneyed phrase, either. You can take that to the bank.

Unlock Your Faith and Your Potential With Wholehearted Living

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."-C. S. Lewis  

Before the words above are dismissed, read them again.  And again.  And then one more time.  I can't promise that you'll 'get them' right away, but when you do, you will have unlocked your life.  Allow me to explain.

I read these words at a counselor's office and I fought hard against them.  It was like I was being visually assaulted, quite honestly.  At the time, I tried to shake off the words because I was uncomfortable on the inside.  You know the saying that once you've seen something you can't unsee it?  I couldn't unsee the words.  Even though at the time I couldn't fathom putting them into practice, that's what I want to share with you now; my journey of applying those words to my life.

Five years later,,,yes, FIVE years, I was given a book by the same therapist with that then ridiculous sign in her waiting room called, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown.  I held onto this book for a while.  Not five years, but almost a year.  I started reading it and I just couldn't focus on it, so I put it down for a while.  I came back to it and made a conscious decision to dive in, and boy, am I glad I did.

In this book, she explains what she calls "wholehearted living", and she outlines the 'how-to' in what she calls guideposts; ten of them in all.  You've got to read this book to really appreciate the way it's written and the impact it can have on your life.  Here are my takeaways, and I'm sharing them with you because it's just so darn exciting for me because I honestly didn't think that what I've experienced was possible for me.

I've always had a problem with perfectionism and trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be.  I'm a people pleaser, okay?  Self-proclaimed, even, meaning that I now own that part of me.  Since reading the book, I now know that I CAN own ALL parts of my personality and coping mechanisms without shame.  That, my friends, is some powerful elixir you can't find in a bottle or in a drug.

See, owning your story to me is the first step towards making meaningful changes in your life.  You've got to own YOUR story, nobody else can do it for you.  Let's don't forget that you can't own anyone else's story, either.  They have to do that on their own, too.  After you can own your story, you can really start to 'let go' of the things that you used to wish didn't exist in your life; habits and traits that you once loathed now sort of vanish, if you will, and your left with this feeling of actually loving yourself; your whole self, not just parts of it.  Wholehearted living.  Duh.

She talks about shame and how we should talk about our shame with someone that is worthy of hearing our shame stories.  It's almost like confessing to someone and allowing them inside of your world just for a moment.  This is something I was hesitant to do because as humans, we're messy.  I was honestly worried if I let someone else into my world, they would want to welcome me into their world, and I wasn't sure that was something I could handle.

Now, I welcome it.  I'm glad to have that kind of connection with someone.  It was honestly something that I was missing out on.  Being vulnerable can be scary, but also very freeing.  The other HUGE thing that this book did was it really helped me to unlock my faith in Christ.  It helped me to forgive myself  and others, which is something that the Bible calls us to do.  This book allows you to separate the behavior of a person from the person themselves which is also related to forgiving.  This book works hand in hand with the Bible.  It's just amazing.

So, back to that quote at the beginning of this blog/diary entry, about making a brand new ending.  I can totally do that now, thanks to my therapist and the wonderful practice of wholehearted living.  I find myself now wanting this idea of wholehearted living to really catch fire because it really unlocks your potential.  I want everyone I know to get on the wholehearted living train.  You'll be glad you did.  Join me, won't you?