Time Never Stops...What Are You Doing With Yours?

I have been going through some growing pains as I've been healing from divorce and really taking the time to rediscover myself through the new opportunity I have been given through my singleness.  I had a period of time when everything was sad and it reminded me of being married and the pain that the divorce caused me and my children.  I carried a lot of guilt for it and sometimes I still do, but for the most part I have let that go.  

I had a thought about big picture type stuff the other day at a stop light.  Instead of focusing on all the sad things, I had a thought about all of the wonderful things I've done and experienced and contributed to over the years.  I have three amazing sons that I gave birth to, breastfed all three of them through nipple pain, mastitis, fevers and abscesses all with their best interest at heart. We homeschooled for many years and I'm proud of the work that I did in them, even though it wasn't always done perfectly. I taught my children how to read, add and subtract and I showed them how to cook.  They know how to clean the house and use the washing machine.  That's not the point of this post, though, and I'll get there soon.

Everything that I've experienced and done, whether good or bad has brought me to where I am today.  I'm here because of all of the things that were placed in my life.  So, if I wanted to cancel out part of my past because of the pain that those things brought me, it would take away from who I am now.  The death of my father when I was just eighteen years old ranks up there as the most painful thing I've ever experienced.  I lost some other family members in the next few years that were integral in my life, but none as important as my daddy.  My divorce after 23 years of marriage would be a close second as it's most like a death.  Just as you can't go back in the past and change things, I can't cancel those two events.  Would I love to have had my dad around to have met my kids?  Absolutely.  However, if my dad hadn't passed away, I'm not sure I would have become a Christ follower.  That's an important development in anyone's life.

If I hadn't gotten divorced, would I have had to look within myself for strength and resilience?  Probably not.  I was coasting and my ex husband was no help.  My mental health and physical fitness suffered during my marriage and especially during my divorce.  I was drinking too much beer and eating stuff that was not healthy for me.  I had put back on all the weight that I had lost a few years back and I was bordering on miserable because my clothes weren't fitting anymore, etc.  I knew that something had to be done, so I did something.

I reached out to a friend who I'd seen on social media having fantastic results after completing a program called 75 Hard.  I was intrigued.  She told me to get in touch with her fitness coach to talk about it, so I did.  We had a FaceTime call and I was terribly intimidated by the whole idea of 75 Hard.  Google it, bro.  Anyway, I wasn't in a place emotionally that I think I could have handled it, so instead I signed up for the 8 week winter challenge through the 1st Phorm app.  I learned the importance of protein in my diet and the need to move consistently during the week and on the weekend because weekends count, y'all.  

To say that I never looked back would be slightly inaccurate as I did backslide some last year and I yoyoed a bit between gaining and losing two to three pounds here and there, but I made a promise to myself at the beginning of 2022  that I was going to be fierce and focused.  I started on December 26th by throwing out all of the Christmas goodies and started eating healthier immediately.  The only bad food that I consumed was on December 31, 2021, which was New Year's Eve and I had some fried chicken and a beer.  I haven't had alcohol since then and I don't plan on it.  I also made a commitment to workout or get some movement in everyday, and I had a really good track record going until January 7th when I kind of flaked on the exercise.  No matter, though.

I came back with a vengeance on my own record and I started over on the next day and I haven't missed a day since then.  Today is day thirty-one of movement with some active rest days thrown in for good measure because you can't train muscles without giving them some recovery.  I've also incorporated yoga into my fitness regime to take the place of my active rest days.  Yoga has been life changing for me and I am committed to keeping that practice once a week.  I've also started getting my nails done on a regular basis as a small reward to myself for keeping up with my physical activity and my wellness.

I haven't even touched on the most important piece of this journey and that's the mental benefit of it all.  As I've said before, you can see the flex and the physical results of what I've been doing, but you can't see the inside.  I feel shiny and new and excited and joyful because I've taken control of my health and fitness.  Knowing that you're doing what's right is an amazing feeling.  Not perfect, but what's right.  There is some kind of security in routine, too.  I feel that when I put together my meals for the week and when I plan my workouts.

One other thing I'll mention is that I don't allow myself to get frustrated with life anymore.  I try to take each day as it comes and do the best I can with it.  I have removed all the pressure from my life by that one decision.  I set an intention for the day, primarily for it to be good no matter what.  I always start the day off with a selfie on Instagram and I say to make it a great day, and I mean that.  You have to make the decision to be happy.  Just for an example, last Friday when it was going to get really cold, one of the clients of the business I work for was supposed to come into the office on that day.  They called in early that morning to tell me that they couldn't (or didn't want to) come in because it was going to be too cold and basically implied that they cold weather was going to ruin the day for him.  I said, "It's still going to be a great day!"  And it was, despite the freezing temperatures.  I even got out and grocery shopped and went to the gym that day!  

The founder of 1stPhorm, Andy Frisella put out an email the other day that's stuck with me and I hope it sticks with you/helps you; he said, 

"Time never stops...the question is, what are you going to do with it?  They (winners) understand that time is going to pass whether they are pursuing their goals or not...The difference is winners start, keep improving, and never stop…"

So, I'll put it to you like Andy did....what are you going to do with your time?

Ladies, Have Sex With Your Husbands

Ladies, this post is for you.  I know that this may be a little bit forward of me, but I feel that it's necessary to post.  

Have sex with your husbands.  

Yep, there it is.  Now, you may be reeling from that a little bit, but the man in your life wants to have sex with...YOU.  Men need sex to feel connected to their wife.  They need physical touch and affirmation from you.  Did you know that God created sex for our pleasure? Sex is not dirty or wrong or bad; it's meant to be had within the confines of a marriage.

Plenty has been done by the enemy to pervert the act of sex.  Matter of fact, every good and perfect thing that God created, Satan has perverted.  Drugs are meant for healing our bodies, but people 'abuse' drugs, thereby perverting the goodness of the medicine in which God intended it for.  Same with sex.  Sex was meant to be enjoyed by a man and a woman within the confines of a marriage.  Not to be perverted by sleeping with someone you're not married to or sleeping with your neighbor's spouse.  Or to watch pornography instead of laying with your spouse.  That was never God's design for us.

God's design was that a man would leave his mother and father and that the two shall become one flesh.  That's right.  Penis inserted into vagina type of one flesh.  There are other ways to become one flesh, but this is a post about sex, so, I went there first.  It also says in the Bible that we shouldn't deny each other access to our bodies.  So, ladies, none of this, I'm too tired or I have a headache.  Guys, you either.  This physical connection that your husband desires is critical to the health of your marriage.  You can't have a healthy marriage without it!  

Now, conversely, the marriage CANNOT be all about sex!  This is for the guys, now; your wife craves emotional satisfaction and emotional security.  If you can't give that to her, then she is less likely to give herself to you.  As my therapist used to say, "if you want good loving at night, you better start in the morning."  Ladies are most like a crockpot, guys.  We need to be warmed up throughout the day.  Foreplay is more than just a physical act because women are cerebral.  Again, back to the emotional security and satisfaction.  Give her a kiss good morning and tell her she's beautiful even if she has morning breath.  (Or whatever it is that works for you) That's sure to start things off on the right foot.

Ladies, accept the compliment!  Don't dismiss it by saying, (or thinking) "My hair is a mess and my breath is awful!  How can I be beautiful?!?"  Now, it's your turn to reciprocate.  Tell him something equally kind or maybe amp it up and say something a little bit suggestive.  He will be intrigued, I assure you.  Keep the flirtation up throughout the day.  Do it for each other, not just so one of you will feel gratified because it's about both of your physical and emotional satisfaction.

Ladies, TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU LIKE!  It may be hard or awkward, but men by and large want to please you!  I mean, if you're faking your way through it and would like to reach a real, actual pinnacle, you've got to speak up!  If he asks you to do something you're not comfortable doing, speak up about that, too.  Be gentle with any criticisms, though, and don't do it while you're in the middle of the act.  Find time to set aside to discuss this topic when you're relaxed or maybe have had a few drinks to take the edge off.  Sometimes that's necessary and perfectly fine, by the way.  

One more for the ladies and then I'll stop picking on you; your man loves you just the way you are, stretch marks and all.  Do you have breasts?  Yep.  Do you have an ass?  Yep.  Do you have a vagina?  Yep.  Looks like you're all set to go!  Do you have the perfect body?  Nope.  Do you have beautifully perky breasts?  Nope.  Do you have a tight, perky ass?  Nope.  That's OKAY!  Your man loves you just the way you are, so stop second guessing yourself and insisting that the lights are always off.  Surprise him and leave the lights on!  Wear something sexy to bed!  He loves the way you look!  And if he doesn't, he's a selfish asshole and he might need to do a little soul searching of his own.

Guys, make sure that your wife knows that she is the star of the show.  Period.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to incorporate pornography into the bedroom.  It should always be about your wife.  Caress her and stroke her hair and tell her you love her and that she's beautiful.  That stuff works!  It may seem cheesy, but if you are in the habit of doing that outside the bedroom and she enjoys it, then incorporate it in the bedroom.  It's called 'making love' for a reason, ya know.

Look, I realize that every situation and every couple is different.  These are simply suggestions and I'm not a licensed therapist.  A lot of the stuff I'm putting down here is stuff that would have helped me with my marriage, honestly.  Also some of the things I'm saying NOT to do is some of what transpired over the course of my marriage that hindered us from having a healthy sex life.  These posts are very personal and I hope you'll appreciate that I'm coming from a genuine place of concern for the well being of the covenant of marriage, because y'all need you some Jesus and probably some sex, too!

Unshackled: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

 Divorcing a narcissist is hard.  Period.  No two ways about it.  Each time I have to deal with my narcissist ex husband, even though his playbook is the same, it's nearly just as difficult as the time before.  However, the good news is that I'm learning something new each time we have to interact.  Then it helps me prepare for the next encounter that we have and though I may not get any better at the interactions, I can see them for what they are and it doesn't take me as long to get through it and come out on the other side.

Narcissists are extremely selfish people and they project their selfishness onto others, my situation is no different.  Thing is, I know that I'm not a selfish person.  I know I can be, heck, anyone can be at times, but I think that for the most part I'm a very giving and caring person.  He also likes to throw my mistakes in my face and there's no point in defending myself because then it starts a whole tangent of conversation and you get all twisted up in their web of lies and entrapments and you can't break free.

I had such an interaction with the narcissist I used to be married to last Friday morning.  More of the same tactics; blame and shame, guilt, projection, gaslighting, etc.  He's never held accountable for his actions.  He went so far as to say that I need to set up some structure for the kids while they're at home this summer while I'm holding down a full time job.  I asked my kids what they did yesterday at their dad's house while HE was at work.  Guess what?  No structure and plenty of television and video games to go around.  Do as I say, not as I do is another narcissist mantra and my ex knows that one far too well.

He saw that behavior modeled by his parents and it stuck with him.  His parents and his grandparents are the reason that he lives as a narcissist.  His mother was emotionally absent from his childhood and his father, in my estimation was a narcissist himself.  You can't tell them that, though.  You can't tell a narcissist how they operate because they'll deny it until the cows come home.  They'll also take that opportunity to throw their bad behavior in your face as though you were the perpetrator; also known as gaslighting.  

Now here's where I find myself in the healing process, and trust me, it's been a process.  I need to stop caring what he thinks of me.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm a bad mom.  Just because he thinks that of me doesn't make it true.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm an awful human being because I know that isn't true, either.  I also need to stop caring that he accused me of being selfish because, again, that's an untrue statement.  I'm trying my best to be patient with myself because I know I've come a long way.

Loving Myself Back to Life

 I am a huge fan of the home makeover show called Home Town.  They also have a show called Home Town Takeover where the two hosts of Home Town, married couple Ben and Erin Napier have adopted the town of Wetumpka, Alabama in an effort to revitalize their town.  They said something on the show tonight and it really hit home with me.  They said of their efforts in the little town that "they were loving the town back to life."

I have just left an abusive relationship.  Not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally abusive at the hands of a narcissist.  There are a number of things that categorize the relationship I was in as narcissistic abuse, none of which I care to get into at the moment.  However, I bring that up to show you how I relate to the quote of loving the town back to life.  At this point in my life, I feel I am doing that right now, "loving myself back to life."

In a relationship with a narcissist, the victim loses their selves in an effort to appease the abuser.  I was no different.  I assumed that his happiness meant that I would get to be happy, but it never was to be.  The goal post always moved and the rules always changed in order to keep me off balance, which is pretty standard for someone with narcissistic tendencies.  It was rough.  It still is, unfortunately.  However, I am finally separate from him and I'm finally able to start really focusing on my emotional and mental health.

I don't like sharing custody of my three boys with their dad, but it has to be done.  Although I miss them when their gone, I enjoy spending time alone.  Like a lot.  I find that I'm in the moment a lot more than I ever was before.  I'm able to relish the moment because I'm not constantly worrying about pleasing him or wondering what he's going to do or say next.  I also have discovered that I love myself and I am worthy of love and safety.  I feel safe in my own space and home now.

My kids and I have a happy, peaceful home now.  This divorce has been full of lessons.  One of the  lessons about my ex husband and his relationship with the kids is this; I can't protect them from each other.  I know while their dad was living at home, I did step in between them and their dad because I was worried about the affect he would have on them.  I think I also protected my ex husband from the kids, too.  I can't really describe how, but I did.  Now, there's no more protecting done on my part.  All I can do is be an anchor for my kids of the truth and to remind them that they are loved and worthy and forgiven.

When living with a narcissist, there is no grace offered whatsoever.  Perfection is the name of the game and anything less than perfection is a reflection on the narcissist, or they take it that way.  It's brutal and I have tried to be the total opposite of this with my kids.  I am completely real and apologize to them if I've hurt their feelings in hopes that they will see that I'm real and I'm not perfect and that perfection is not the goal.  

I feel like I'm bursting with love now and I can't wait to share it with others.  I lavish love on my kids with physical affection like hugs and kisses (when my teenage boys will let me) and I encourage them and prod them to do their best.  I am also filled with more gratitude than before and I see the good in people more than I did before.  I also don't put quite so much pressure on myself as I used to because I used to internalize the pressure that my ex husband would put on himself and on me and the kids.  That was a lot of stress and was very unhealthy.  

Divorce is hard, but I honestly feel that this was the only option for me and my kids to get healthy and to find peace.  Finally being free to "love ourselves back to life".  Glory to God.

What's Love Got to Do With...Codependency?

Codependency is defined by Mental Health America as, "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Codependency is not an 'issue' that often takes center stage in the likes of commercials, movies, music, television shows or the typical 1980's PSA movement.  When we hear the word 'codependent', we automatically think of alcoholics or drug addicts and the relationships they find themselves in with their substance of choice.  Or it refers to the spouse or family member of an addict.  There is codependency without alcohol or drugs involved.  People can find themselves addicted to a relationship; a husband and wife, or a child/parent relationship.  Not only has it not been something that's been discussed, I think that subliminally society has perpetuated it on some level.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I think that there are lots of underlying messages in songs, movies, commercials, and social media, all of which parents have been or should be concerned about and lots of those issues have been addressed in some way or another.  I remember as a kid passing through the living room while Tipper Gore droned on in the background about labeling cassette tapes for explicit language in music. Movies and reality television shows often showcase issues like pregnancy out of wedlock (I'm looking at you, Candice Bergen of Murphy Brown), abortion, drug use, smoking, etc to desensitize the public to these issues, even though some of them are wrong in the eyes of God.

Commercials also obviously work their way into our psyche with messages about products and foods and clothes.  "Buy this and you'll look beautiful."  "Eat this and lose weight."  Music also plays a HUGE role in shaping who we are.  The messages they send out are so subliminal, though, that sometimes we don't even know that our minds are being shaped or molded by what we're listening to.

My journey to become more healthy mentally started about five years ago.  I was first introduced to the word codependency in a very real way when I discovered that my husband and I were in a codependent relationship.  Neither one of us has substance abuse issues, but we have self-esteem issues.  That was a light bulb moment for me.  I wish I had paid a bit more attention to it then, but my eyes had definitely been opened.  As it says on the Mental Health America website, the first step is to understand the problem.  Then you'll need to educate yourself on the issue so that you can 'unlearn' those behaviors.

As I've been going through this journey of self-discovery and learning to implement more of the healthy behaviors I've learned in therapy, I started to wonder if there could have been more of an accurate message in the depiction of love and marriage interwoven into the movies and messages and songs produced over the years.  What we hear on the radio at times and see in the movies is completely unrealistic.  We start off as little girls dreaming of Prince Charming when we watch Cinderella and Snow White.  We start to believe that a man is going to rescue us and take care of us for the rest of our lives.  It's not just movies for children that perpetuate this idea; adult movies do the same thing.

We hear on the movies lines like, "You complete me."  Sounds good and all the females in the audience swoon, but I'm here to remind you, that's not love.  That's called codependency.  When you rely on others, or someone relies on you, for their identity of their sense of worth, you've got a problem.  This is something I wish was discussed more often in Hollywood circles, but sadly, that doesn't sell tickets, so, yeah.

So besides this Jesus blog being a place to share my own personal faith and my journey to being a better version of Kelly, I would love for this to be a place for practical application as well.  If  any of what I've written about sounds familiar to you, but you aren't sure if you're in a codependent relationship, click this link here to read through a list of qualifiers of what constitutes one.  If you are in an unhealthy relationship, if you are contemplating marriage, (or a divorce), I would encourage you to see a licensed marriage counselor or an individual counselor to get the help you need.  Please also remember that there's absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.