Ladies, Keep Having Sex With Your Husbands

I wrote a post about sex in marriage and a lot of you read it, so thank you for that.  However, after reading it over and over and internalizing and almost memorizing the article which is something I do on a post that I'm super proud of, I started thinking about a few things I may have forgotten to include that didn't really flow with the tone of the first post.  

First, I want to talk about the general differences between the sex drive of men and women.  There are exceptions to every rule and sometimes men are less sexually driven than their wives even though we often think of it the other way around.  Men generally do want sex more than women, it's just the reality of the situation and the way that men and women are created.  There's nothing wrong with either situation.  That's the main point that I want to communicate; there's nothing wrong with either of you, period.  So, if your man wants sex nearly every day, there's nothing wrong with him.  If your woman doesn't want sex every day, there's nothing wrong with her.  There has to be a level of communication and acceptance with the different roles that men and women assume in a marriage relationship as it pertains to the bedroom.  One other thing about frequency of sex; there are no set rules as to how many times a week you should be having sex.  You get to determine that between the two of you and that is a really beautiful thing.

Just as I said, the desired frequency will differ for every one, so I'm looking at the guys now.  Men, give your woman room to say 'no' to your advances every once in a while.  That way, they don't feel guilty for saying 'no'.  Just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no pouting when your woman says 'no' to you.  Accept the answer and give her a back rub or offer to do some other little small something instead of having sex so that the two of you can spend some quality time together.  I'd also like to encourage the women to initiate intimacy every now and again.  Men love it when you take the reins and start showing interest in having sex with them.  Same goes for you, too.  No pouting or crying if they don't want to 'do it' when you ask.

There might be a solution for this conflict that often occurs, and that is scheduling time for intimacy.  This was something that I frowned on because I loved the idea of being spontaneous and felt like a curmudgeon if I had to put 'sex' on the calendar.  I was probably wrong to feel this way.  It might have actually been freeing to do that so it was already set that it was going to happen and you could use some to time to mentally prepare for it.  Sometimes that's necessary for women, at least it was for me, to get mentally ready for sex beforehand.

Ladies, PARTICIPATE in the act of love making.  No man wants to make love to a rag doll.  Thoughts of kids, laundry and housework are NOT allowed into the bedroom during sex (or whichever room in the house or the car or wherever you might be having sex) with your partner!  Focus on the pleasure and allow yourself to let go and meet your partner right where he's touching you.  Make noise!  Make eye contact!  Communicate what you want!  You don't have to try and wake the neighbors, but if you want to, then go for it!  Be in the moment.  House doesn't have to be perfectly clean.  Laundry doesn't have to be done.  Kids don't necessarily need to be in bed, but whatever your preference is.  What I'm saying is, don't wait for the perfect moment to have sex because it will never, excuse the pun, come.  

Guys, as I mentioned in the first blog for the ladies to be sensitive to your feelings when making critiques of things that happen in the bedroom, I know that there are things that we women could improve on as well.  Don't blurt it out or fuss at us while we're in the middle of things.  Wait until there's time set aside and have the discussion.  If necessary, use alcohol prior to said conversation.

There's one other thing that I feel needs to be thrown in there and I know that you're going to roll your eyes when you hear it, but find out what your love language is and what love language your spouse identifies with.  It will be super helpful because what your husband thinks your love language is and what it actually is could be two totally different things.  Same for the wives.  Then you'll be able to speak the same 'language' and hopefully have a more successful sex life and marriage to boot.

This next tip has nothing to do with sex, although almost everything we do in marriage has to do with sex when you think about it.  Do me a favor and look for the good.  Open your eyes to the good in each other because it's so easy to look for the bad.  Usually what you look for is what you'll find.  Don't assume anything, but if you are going to assume, make sure you assume the best about your partner.  You'd like for them to assume the best about you, right?  You'd like for them to see the good in you, so why not try it for them?  When your spouse does something nice for you, write it down or commemorate it mentally or verbally thank them for it.  The small things add up to the big things.  

I know I've said a lot in this blog post and the last one about sex, but I really feel that it boils down to this; it's all mental.  There's a level of self-acceptance that needs to happen first before any of the other things I've written about can happen.  If you don't love yourself or even like yourself, how can you expect to love anyone else?  Do some daily affirmations or devotions and remember that if the God of creation is crazy in love with you, what's stopping you from being in love with yourself?  

Be Doers and Not Just Hearers

 As I've been going through this divorce and spending time alone on the weekends, I've found out some things about myself that I didn't know before: I really like spending time alone!   I'm not intimidated by going to restaurants alone anymore.  I take a book and get cozy in the back corner booth and eat my food and enjoy my book.  

I also enjoy lighting candles and arranging flowers while listening to music.  I knew these things about myself already, but these are things that I wasn't really able to do while married because the candles gave off scents and my ex husband didn't like the smell of candles.  Lighting candles really set the mood for my activities and listening to music keeps my mind occupied.  My mind is occupied with healthy thoughts and peace, which is kind of new for me.

I also feel warm and fuzzy on the inside most of the time.  I know that sounds weird, but I feel so safe and at peace and I wish I could share that feeling with everyone around me.  This is the only way I know how to share it is through written word.  I just love God and myself and my kids and family and all of those around me.  My house feels like a safe haven and I'm so thankful for that.  I really like myself now.  I have been working on myself for a while now, mentally and physically.  

I like to think that I'm in detox mode.  My mind and my spirit and my soul are detoxing from all of the narcissism that was so prevalent in my married life.  It's sad because I do really still care for my ex husband and in all honesty, I feel sorry for him that he will never know what true love feels like.  I wrote this journal entry as a kind of letter to him although I won't let him read it, this is what it says:

    "At some point in your life someone hurt you and that caused you to feel like you had to build a wall around your heart.  It also caused you to want to try and control all of your world in order to feel safe and you got used to that way of life.  There was no way for me to know that before we got married.  You continued that way of life into our marriage and even now that is still how you do things.  Your parents stunted your emotional growth as a child and I am heart broken for you.  Now it's up to you to pick up the broken pieces of your childhood and find peace in the future."

Now, will that happen?  As much as I'd like for it to, no, it won't.  My ex husband will never find peace or love or acceptance.  Do you know why?  Narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies don't love themselves. They present a different side to the world, though.  They act super confident when deep inside they don't think that they are worthy or loveable.  It kind of reminds me of a scripture verse found in the book of James.  It goes like this: "Anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."-James 1:23-24

The reason that makes me think of a narcissist is because that's essentially what they do.  In my opinion, if they could accept the love of Christ in a real, tangible way that they wouldn't feel unloved and unworthy.  They wouldn't stay in that state and thereby treat others with disdain and contempt.  They would be able to celebrate the successes of others without feeling threatened and they would know that they are worthy of the sacrifice God made by sending his only son to die for our sins on the cross.

Sometimes it's not only narcissists who feel this way, though.  I think from time to time we can all feel less than worthy of the cross or we can allow ourselves to do some 'stinking thinking' that will allow us to wallow in self pity.  The difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we've made that intimate connection with Jesus to know that we can shake off the mistakes of the past and accept forgiveness with open arms.  And all of God's children say, "Amen."

Loving Myself Back to Life

 I am a huge fan of the home makeover show called Home Town.  They also have a show called Home Town Takeover where the two hosts of Home Town, married couple Ben and Erin Napier have adopted the town of Wetumpka, Alabama in an effort to revitalize their town.  They said something on the show tonight and it really hit home with me.  They said of their efforts in the little town that "they were loving the town back to life."

I have just left an abusive relationship.  Not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally abusive at the hands of a narcissist.  There are a number of things that categorize the relationship I was in as narcissistic abuse, none of which I care to get into at the moment.  However, I bring that up to show you how I relate to the quote of loving the town back to life.  At this point in my life, I feel I am doing that right now, "loving myself back to life."

In a relationship with a narcissist, the victim loses their selves in an effort to appease the abuser.  I was no different.  I assumed that his happiness meant that I would get to be happy, but it never was to be.  The goal post always moved and the rules always changed in order to keep me off balance, which is pretty standard for someone with narcissistic tendencies.  It was rough.  It still is, unfortunately.  However, I am finally separate from him and I'm finally able to start really focusing on my emotional and mental health.

I don't like sharing custody of my three boys with their dad, but it has to be done.  Although I miss them when their gone, I enjoy spending time alone.  Like a lot.  I find that I'm in the moment a lot more than I ever was before.  I'm able to relish the moment because I'm not constantly worrying about pleasing him or wondering what he's going to do or say next.  I also have discovered that I love myself and I am worthy of love and safety.  I feel safe in my own space and home now.

My kids and I have a happy, peaceful home now.  This divorce has been full of lessons.  One of the  lessons about my ex husband and his relationship with the kids is this; I can't protect them from each other.  I know while their dad was living at home, I did step in between them and their dad because I was worried about the affect he would have on them.  I think I also protected my ex husband from the kids, too.  I can't really describe how, but I did.  Now, there's no more protecting done on my part.  All I can do is be an anchor for my kids of the truth and to remind them that they are loved and worthy and forgiven.

When living with a narcissist, there is no grace offered whatsoever.  Perfection is the name of the game and anything less than perfection is a reflection on the narcissist, or they take it that way.  It's brutal and I have tried to be the total opposite of this with my kids.  I am completely real and apologize to them if I've hurt their feelings in hopes that they will see that I'm real and I'm not perfect and that perfection is not the goal.  

I feel like I'm bursting with love now and I can't wait to share it with others.  I lavish love on my kids with physical affection like hugs and kisses (when my teenage boys will let me) and I encourage them and prod them to do their best.  I am also filled with more gratitude than before and I see the good in people more than I did before.  I also don't put quite so much pressure on myself as I used to because I used to internalize the pressure that my ex husband would put on himself and on me and the kids.  That was a lot of stress and was very unhealthy.  

Divorce is hard, but I honestly feel that this was the only option for me and my kids to get healthy and to find peace.  Finally being free to "love ourselves back to life".  Glory to God.

Adulting IS Hard

They say that adulting is hard.  Who is 'they', anyway?  I don't know if we'll ever know the answer to that, but it still stands that being an adult is hard.  What does it mean to be an adult?  Well, beyond the physical actions that you see adults engaging in such as working a full-time job, paying bills and balancing a budget/checkbook, there's an emotional aspect that comes with being an adult as well. Like????

Well, generally adults don't throw temper tantrums.  (I'm looking at you, Occupy Movement.)  There's this little thing called self-control and as an adult, if you want to be successful, you have to build that self-control muscle.  I could even go so far as to say it's called self-control for a reason and not 'others-control' because you are the only person on this planet that you can control.  Remember that.  Others will do things you don't like, but it's up to you to handle your own emotions and deal with them wisely.  That looks different for everyone I'm sure, however, if  you want to live at the mercy of others, by all means, ride every wave of feelings that comes into your head.  Let me know how that works for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness.  Period.  There isn't one other person on this planet now or previously that is or was responsible for your happiness.  No one can make you 'feel' a certain way.  You allow it or you don't.  So, you have to be careful on that front, too.  You could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so good'.  That's only because you accept their behavior and process it as good.  On the other hand, you could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so bad'.  That's because of the way you process it.  Now, there are people out there with abusive behaviors, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Adulting means that we have needs and we are aware of who can meet them.  We have emotional needs, physical needs, and spiritual needs.  Some of those needs others can meet, some of which we have to meet on our own.  For example, you feed yourself, right?  You shop for, prepare and cook food to physically feed your body.  However, you cannot hug yourself.  Only others can do that.  Some emotional needs that we have can be met by ourselves.  There's a constant internal conversation that we have with ourselves.  I think that is where we have the ability to turn it around for ourselves emotionally.  Training the internal voice and tweaking the conversation that we hold is major.  In the spiritual department, we all have a need for God.  There's a God shaped hole in our hearts and minds that only God can fill.  When we realize that we have to take up our cross and work out our OWN salvation, that's when we can start to work with God to fill that hole.  Nobody here on earth can do that for you.  Pastors and priests and clergy can point you to God, but they are not God themselves.  

Here's where I think a lot of relationships go bad.  Marriages, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, parent/child relationships, etc. all start to fail when we start to put the needs that we can meet for ourselves and the ones that only God can meet onto others.  Doing so is a recipe for disaster.  These become an unrealistic expectation in a relationship, which furthers the recipe for disaster.  There are other expectations that become unrealistic as well; unspoken expectations.  When we don't ask for what we want or need, things can definitely start to go sideways.  There are also some caveats to this scenario, but that is also another topic for another day.

If you're in a relationship with any of these tendencies on your part or the part of your partner, it's not too late to change these.  It's going to take some work, but depending on the situation, it might be worth it to put in the work to reverse these bad behaviors.  Again, you are responsible for YOUR behaviors and working on yourself.  You should not accept responsibility for anyone else even if they insist that you are the person solely responsible for their happiness.  That's a red flag and it might be time to reevaluate things.  

So, yes, being an adult is hard because not only do you have the physical, outward responsibilities to take care of, you have the responsibility to keep your emotional health in check, and only YOU can do that for yourself.  I feel like Smokey the Bear, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires.", except it should be a different tagline of, "Only YOU can prevent emotional self-destruction.".  Or something.  

  

What's Love Got to do With it?

Today something hit me really hard between the eyes. I think it may have been love. Can love hit you between the eyes? I heard these words in my head, “Love is daring greatly”. I really believe that. When we open ourselves up to others in love, we are taking a chance. We are daring greatly.

For example, when we are dating someone and we feel the urge to say those three little words we all long to hear, sometimes we hold back. What’s the reason? What holds us back? I’ll tell you what holds us back; fear. Fear of rejection more specifically. However, when we do find the courage to muster up the words, it feels like time stands still a little bit. What's the reason? You’re waiting to hear them said to you in return usually. It doesn’t matter, though really what the other person says back to you because you dared greatly.

It says in 1 John 4:16-19, “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

Perfect love drives out fear. What does that have to do with daring greatly? Everything, actually. What I am sure of is that God is perfect and His will for us is to abide in His perfect love. Therefore, if you're abiding in his love, then you should have nothing to fear. No matter the circumstances of the world around us. No matter the pain or heartache you may be experiencing. No matter if you have a job or not. No matter if you’re married or divorced or single.

Even though we aren’t perfect, his power is made perfect in our weakness. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus tells us, “...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Now I get it when Apostle Paul says that, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

What if we made mistakes because we weren’t secure in who we were in God? What if we weren’t allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell in us because we were filled with fear and other things that made it impossible for the Spirit to reside and dwell and flow through you? What if we trusted God completely and totally and humbly through EVERYTHING? How much better off would we be? What if we tried compassion? What if we tried to see things from other’s point of view?

I've written about this several times on the Jesus blog as I'm calling it. I could write about love every day for the rest of my life and I could write something different about it every time. Most important thing to note or write, though, is that God is love. That's the truth. Not some cheesy, hackneyed phrase, either. You can take that to the bank.

There Is Power in Surrender

 What do these three photos have in common? Arms extended, maybe eyes closed.  To me, these pictures depict a form of surrender.  That feeling that comes when you lay down your worries or problems at the feet of God.  Surrender is a wonderful place to be.  That means that your trust in the Lord is in full effect and nothing anyone says to you or does to you can hurt you.  Surrender is not a lack of care, don't misunderstand. 





The word surrender as defined by Merriam Webster is this: the action of

yielding one's person or giving up the possession of something especially into the power of another.  Hopefully, for you, that power is Jesus.  There is a scripture verse that has become one of my favorites and I think it describes how wonderfully blessed we are as Christians to be able to have such an amazing relationship with the one true God.  It's found in Hebrews 4:14-16 and it says,

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

This one scripture verse sums up the relationship between God and man.  Because God sent his only son wrapped in flesh, he is able to sympathize with our weaknesses.  I also love the fact that it reminds us that Jesus was tempted in every way, BUT WAS WITHOUT SIN.  You could use these words as something to solidify your faith in Jesus, knowing how concrete and steadfast He is; how perfect He is.  I know I do.  

One other thing that brings me peace is when it says. "let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence..."  because it reminds me that God is on my side.  I hope that this has helped remind you of the power of surrender, even though it's actually a very vulnerable place to be, too.  Wrapped in the arms of a loving Savior, surrender is strength.  Put your faith and trust in Jesus, my friend.  You can't go wrong.