As I've been going through this divorce and spending time alone on the weekends, I've found out some things about myself that I didn't know before: I really like spending time alone! I'm not intimidated by going to restaurants alone anymore. I take a book and get cozy in the back corner booth and eat my food and enjoy my book.
I also enjoy lighting candles and arranging flowers while listening to music. I knew these things about myself already, but these are things that I wasn't really able to do while married because the candles gave off scents and my ex husband didn't like the smell of candles. Lighting candles really set the mood for my activities and listening to music keeps my mind occupied. My mind is occupied with healthy thoughts and peace, which is kind of new for me.
I also feel warm and fuzzy on the inside most of the time. I know that sounds weird, but I feel so safe and at peace and I wish I could share that feeling with everyone around me. This is the only way I know how to share it is through written word. I just love God and myself and my kids and family and all of those around me. My house feels like a safe haven and I'm so thankful for that. I really like myself now. I have been working on myself for a while now, mentally and physically.
I like to think that I'm in detox mode. My mind and my spirit and my soul are detoxing from all of the narcissism that was so prevalent in my married life. It's sad because I do really still care for my ex husband and in all honesty, I feel sorry for him that he will never know what true love feels like. I wrote this journal entry as a kind of letter to him although I won't let him read it, this is what it says:
"At some point in your life someone hurt you and that caused you to feel like you had to build a wall around your heart. It also caused you to want to try and control all of your world in order to feel safe and you got used to that way of life. There was no way for me to know that before we got married. You continued that way of life into our marriage and even now that is still how you do things. Your parents stunted your emotional growth as a child and I am heart broken for you. Now it's up to you to pick up the broken pieces of your childhood and find peace in the future."
Now, will that happen? As much as I'd like for it to, no, it won't. My ex husband will never find peace or love or acceptance. Do you know why? Narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies don't love themselves. They present a different side to the world, though. They act super confident when deep inside they don't think that they are worthy or loveable. It kind of reminds me of a scripture verse found in the book of James. It goes like this: "Anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."-James 1:23-24
The reason that makes me think of a narcissist is because that's essentially what they do. In my opinion, if they could accept the love of Christ in a real, tangible way that they wouldn't feel unloved and unworthy. They wouldn't stay in that state and thereby treat others with disdain and contempt. They would be able to celebrate the successes of others without feeling threatened and they would know that they are worthy of the sacrifice God made by sending his only son to die for our sins on the cross.
Sometimes it's not only narcissists who feel this way, though. I think from time to time we can all feel less than worthy of the cross or we can allow ourselves to do some 'stinking thinking' that will allow us to wallow in self pity. The difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we've made that intimate connection with Jesus to know that we can shake off the mistakes of the past and accept forgiveness with open arms. And all of God's children say, "Amen."
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