I wrote a post about sex in marriage and a lot of you read it, so thank you for that. However, after reading it over and over and internalizing and almost memorizing the article which is something I do on a post that I'm super proud of, I started thinking about a few things I may have forgotten to include that didn't really flow with the tone of the first post.
First, I want to talk about the general differences between the sex drive of men and women. There are exceptions to every rule and sometimes men are less sexually driven than their wives even though we often think of it the other way around. Men generally do want sex more than women, it's just the reality of the situation and the way that men and women are created. There's nothing wrong with either situation. That's the main point that I want to communicate; there's nothing wrong with either of you, period. So, if your man wants sex nearly every day, there's nothing wrong with him. If your woman doesn't want sex every day, there's nothing wrong with her. There has to be a level of communication and acceptance with the different roles that men and women assume in a marriage relationship as it pertains to the bedroom. One other thing about frequency of sex; there are no set rules as to how many times a week you should be having sex. You get to determine that between the two of you and that is a really beautiful thing.
Just as I said, the desired frequency will differ for every one, so I'm looking at the guys now. Men, give your woman room to say 'no' to your advances every once in a while. That way, they don't feel guilty for saying 'no'. Just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no pouting when your woman says 'no' to you. Accept the answer and give her a back rub or offer to do some other little small something instead of having sex so that the two of you can spend some quality time together. I'd also like to encourage the women to initiate intimacy every now and again. Men love it when you take the reins and start showing interest in having sex with them. Same goes for you, too. No pouting or crying if they don't want to 'do it' when you ask.
There might be a solution for this conflict that often occurs, and that is scheduling time for intimacy. This was something that I frowned on because I loved the idea of being spontaneous and felt like a curmudgeon if I had to put 'sex' on the calendar. I was probably wrong to feel this way. It might have actually been freeing to do that so it was already set that it was going to happen and you could use some to time to mentally prepare for it. Sometimes that's necessary for women, at least it was for me, to get mentally ready for sex beforehand.
Ladies, PARTICIPATE in the act of love making. No man wants to make love to a rag doll. Thoughts of kids, laundry and housework are NOT allowed into the bedroom during sex (or whichever room in the house or the car or wherever you might be having sex) with your partner! Focus on the pleasure and allow yourself to let go and meet your partner right where he's touching you. Make noise! Make eye contact! Communicate what you want! You don't have to try and wake the neighbors, but if you want to, then go for it! Be in the moment. House doesn't have to be perfectly clean. Laundry doesn't have to be done. Kids don't necessarily need to be in bed, but whatever your preference is. What I'm saying is, don't wait for the perfect moment to have sex because it will never, excuse the pun, come.
Guys, as I mentioned in the first blog for the ladies to be sensitive to your feelings when making critiques of things that happen in the bedroom, I know that there are things that we women could improve on as well. Don't blurt it out or fuss at us while we're in the middle of things. Wait until there's time set aside and have the discussion. If necessary, use alcohol prior to said conversation.
There's one other thing that I feel needs to be thrown in there and I know that you're going to roll your eyes when you hear it, but find out what your love language is and what love language your spouse identifies with. It will be super helpful because what your husband thinks your love language is and what it actually is could be two totally different things. Same for the wives. Then you'll be able to speak the same 'language' and hopefully have a more successful sex life and marriage to boot.
This next tip has nothing to do with sex, although almost everything we do in marriage has to do with sex when you think about it. Do me a favor and look for the good. Open your eyes to the good in each other because it's so easy to look for the bad. Usually what you look for is what you'll find. Don't assume anything, but if you are going to assume, make sure you assume the best about your partner. You'd like for them to assume the best about you, right? You'd like for them to see the good in you, so why not try it for them? When your spouse does something nice for you, write it down or commemorate it mentally or verbally thank them for it. The small things add up to the big things.
I know I've said a lot in this blog post and the last one about sex, but I really feel that it boils down to this; it's all mental. There's a level of self-acceptance that needs to happen first before any of the other things I've written about can happen. If you don't love yourself or even like yourself, how can you expect to love anyone else? Do some daily affirmations or devotions and remember that if the God of creation is crazy in love with you, what's stopping you from being in love with yourself?
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