Ladies, Keep Having Sex With Your Husbands

I wrote a post about sex in marriage and a lot of you read it, so thank you for that.  However, after reading it over and over and internalizing and almost memorizing the article which is something I do on a post that I'm super proud of, I started thinking about a few things I may have forgotten to include that didn't really flow with the tone of the first post.  

First, I want to talk about the general differences between the sex drive of men and women.  There are exceptions to every rule and sometimes men are less sexually driven than their wives even though we often think of it the other way around.  Men generally do want sex more than women, it's just the reality of the situation and the way that men and women are created.  There's nothing wrong with either situation.  That's the main point that I want to communicate; there's nothing wrong with either of you, period.  So, if your man wants sex nearly every day, there's nothing wrong with him.  If your woman doesn't want sex every day, there's nothing wrong with her.  There has to be a level of communication and acceptance with the different roles that men and women assume in a marriage relationship as it pertains to the bedroom.  One other thing about frequency of sex; there are no set rules as to how many times a week you should be having sex.  You get to determine that between the two of you and that is a really beautiful thing.

Just as I said, the desired frequency will differ for every one, so I'm looking at the guys now.  Men, give your woman room to say 'no' to your advances every once in a while.  That way, they don't feel guilty for saying 'no'.  Just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no pouting when your woman says 'no' to you.  Accept the answer and give her a back rub or offer to do some other little small something instead of having sex so that the two of you can spend some quality time together.  I'd also like to encourage the women to initiate intimacy every now and again.  Men love it when you take the reins and start showing interest in having sex with them.  Same goes for you, too.  No pouting or crying if they don't want to 'do it' when you ask.

There might be a solution for this conflict that often occurs, and that is scheduling time for intimacy.  This was something that I frowned on because I loved the idea of being spontaneous and felt like a curmudgeon if I had to put 'sex' on the calendar.  I was probably wrong to feel this way.  It might have actually been freeing to do that so it was already set that it was going to happen and you could use some to time to mentally prepare for it.  Sometimes that's necessary for women, at least it was for me, to get mentally ready for sex beforehand.

Ladies, PARTICIPATE in the act of love making.  No man wants to make love to a rag doll.  Thoughts of kids, laundry and housework are NOT allowed into the bedroom during sex (or whichever room in the house or the car or wherever you might be having sex) with your partner!  Focus on the pleasure and allow yourself to let go and meet your partner right where he's touching you.  Make noise!  Make eye contact!  Communicate what you want!  You don't have to try and wake the neighbors, but if you want to, then go for it!  Be in the moment.  House doesn't have to be perfectly clean.  Laundry doesn't have to be done.  Kids don't necessarily need to be in bed, but whatever your preference is.  What I'm saying is, don't wait for the perfect moment to have sex because it will never, excuse the pun, come.  

Guys, as I mentioned in the first blog for the ladies to be sensitive to your feelings when making critiques of things that happen in the bedroom, I know that there are things that we women could improve on as well.  Don't blurt it out or fuss at us while we're in the middle of things.  Wait until there's time set aside and have the discussion.  If necessary, use alcohol prior to said conversation.

There's one other thing that I feel needs to be thrown in there and I know that you're going to roll your eyes when you hear it, but find out what your love language is and what love language your spouse identifies with.  It will be super helpful because what your husband thinks your love language is and what it actually is could be two totally different things.  Same for the wives.  Then you'll be able to speak the same 'language' and hopefully have a more successful sex life and marriage to boot.

This next tip has nothing to do with sex, although almost everything we do in marriage has to do with sex when you think about it.  Do me a favor and look for the good.  Open your eyes to the good in each other because it's so easy to look for the bad.  Usually what you look for is what you'll find.  Don't assume anything, but if you are going to assume, make sure you assume the best about your partner.  You'd like for them to assume the best about you, right?  You'd like for them to see the good in you, so why not try it for them?  When your spouse does something nice for you, write it down or commemorate it mentally or verbally thank them for it.  The small things add up to the big things.  

I know I've said a lot in this blog post and the last one about sex, but I really feel that it boils down to this; it's all mental.  There's a level of self-acceptance that needs to happen first before any of the other things I've written about can happen.  If you don't love yourself or even like yourself, how can you expect to love anyone else?  Do some daily affirmations or devotions and remember that if the God of creation is crazy in love with you, what's stopping you from being in love with yourself?  

Home Town Takeover Couple Continue to be Relationship Goals

 I know I've used the two creators of Home Town as touchpoints for what I call 'light bulb' moments before and gosh darn it if they haven't done it again.  I follow both Erin and Ben Napier on social media and I love them so much.  I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage when you have two imperfect people in it, but from the outside looking in, they seem pretty solid.  They seem to support one another and their personalities and strengths really compliment each other.  

The couple just welcomed their second daughter last week or so ago and by they looks of her most recent social media post since she mentioned the word surgery, I assumed that she probably had a c-section, or possibly an episiotomy.  Those c-sections are tough to recover from.  I would know because I had three of them.  They were each different in their own right, but they were all difficult to heal from because of the needs that the baby has and the needs that you have, etc.  Her post brought back a flood of memories from what I dealt with and it reminded me some of what I was missing in a spouse.  Her post had a picture of Ben giving their new baby a bottle and her caption under the sweet photo read like this:

        "If he's not scooping me up off the sofa as I'm still recovering from surgery, he's mixing a bottle or taking Helen swimming.  And I have kissed him every time he's in arm's reach because I know exactly how lucky we all are.  A reminder for those with spouses: tell them often--"thank you for everything you do for us."  and MEAN IT."

I sat there and stared at my phone screen and I started to cry.  Why?  For a couple of reasons and I'll get into them in more detail in a minute.  First, because of all the feels.  The fact that she has a husband who is willing to 'scoop her off the sofa'?!?  I mean, what woman doesn't want to be scooped off the sofa?  Sign me up for that!  And that she is being so well taken care of by her sweet husband is just so wonderful.  It's such a beautiful picture of how a marriage is supposed to be.  To serve and to be served, but mostly to serve.  That's what is so precious about this picture of the two of them.  I could go on and on.

Now, to the sad part of what made me cry.  I never had that when I had babies.  He helped me when I needed it, but there was no emotion in it except for frustration on his part.  Plus, I was so codependent on him that I couldn't function without him telling me what to do.  However, even with all of that 'hand holding', my ex husband didn't understand the nature of a woman at all.  I think women are still a mystery to him at times.  After reading the caption of the photo, I finally figured out why he never 'scooped me up' off the couch or really gave me the emotional support I needed during those times after having babies or any of the other stuff is because of the fact that a narcissist doesn't have an empathetic bone in their body.  To identify and sympathize with a weakness means that they would be admitting that they, too, have weaknesses and they can't admit that.  That would expose themselves to the world and they can't have that.  They can't let their mask slip off and show the world who they really are.

Every Sunday I Get My Heart Broken

I got my heart broken at church on Sunday.  I get my heart broken at church almost every Sunday when I go.  It's not what you'd think that would break my heart, though, sometimes it is.  Most of the time it's this: I'm divorced and my ex husband and my kids go to the same church as I do.  On the weekends when I have the kids, it's great.  We sit together and love on each other and sing worship songs together.  It's really a treat.  On the weekends that they stay with their dad...it's pretty terrible.  The two younger boys come sit with me and my oldest son stays with his dad.  We essentially live separate lives now and it hurts every time there's a reminder of the separation.

Then, we leave church.  They go home with their dad and my tears start flowing.  Not every time, but almost.  Then the realization of what our marriage counselor warned us about comes to the forefront of my mind and I cry harder.  She told us that divorce was just trading one set of problems for another.  She was right.  She warned my ex husband about how he wouldn't be there to tuck the kids in at night anymore because he wouldn't be at home.  She warned me about not really being 'free' from my ex husband which is what I wanted more than anything during our counseling sessions.  She was right about all of it.

The other part of this that's so heartbreaking is that no matter what I do or say or how healthy I am as an individual, my ex husband will never change.  I will never have the marriage I dreamed of as a young bride with my new spouse because of his narcissistic tendencies.  Our union will never be an emotionally healthy one and we prove it each time we try and have a discussion or a conversation about anything as it relates to the kids or with, dun-dun-dun; MONEY.  Those two topics are nearly as hotly contested as the topic of who was to blame for the demise of our relationship.  I'm pretty sure you can guess he expects me to shoulder the blame for that.  

I did do that for a long time, though.  I blamed myself for everything and took responsibility for everything and apologized for, yep, EVERYTHING.  When I met my previous therapist, she said her first order of business, or one of the first, was to eliminate the words, 'I'm sorry' from my vocabulary.  It's true.  And I rarely use those words anymore.  I might say, 'I apologize', or 'my mistake' or something along those lines, but nearly never say 'I'm sorry' anymore.  It does make a difference, you know.  It helps with self esteem issues because to me, I'm essentially saying that I'm sorry.  I'm a sorry individual, and that's not true.  But I digress.

I do know this; I know that divorce hurts.  It hurts everyone involved and it's not something I set out to do.  Never thought I'd say the words, 'I'm divorced', or 'my ex husband'.  Never.  Life doesn't always turn out the way that you expect it will, though.  I wanted God to heal my marriage for the longest time, but it takes two people, two healthy people, to heal a marriage with God's help.  There was only one of us who wanted to make it happen; me.  

If you are married, with or without kids, I implore you to try and stay married.  The alternative is not good. Measure your heart; not your spouses because no one can.  Find counseling help if it's needed.  Try to stay consistent with your relationship as much as possible.  I know things fall by the wayside because, well, because life happens.  Get back up and try again.  Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself.  Let grace abound.  Channel the love from the Lord that you have and let it flow through you to your family.  You won't regret it, no matter what.

Loving Myself Back to Life

 I am a huge fan of the home makeover show called Home Town.  They also have a show called Home Town Takeover where the two hosts of Home Town, married couple Ben and Erin Napier have adopted the town of Wetumpka, Alabama in an effort to revitalize their town.  They said something on the show tonight and it really hit home with me.  They said of their efforts in the little town that "they were loving the town back to life."

I have just left an abusive relationship.  Not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally abusive at the hands of a narcissist.  There are a number of things that categorize the relationship I was in as narcissistic abuse, none of which I care to get into at the moment.  However, I bring that up to show you how I relate to the quote of loving the town back to life.  At this point in my life, I feel I am doing that right now, "loving myself back to life."

In a relationship with a narcissist, the victim loses their selves in an effort to appease the abuser.  I was no different.  I assumed that his happiness meant that I would get to be happy, but it never was to be.  The goal post always moved and the rules always changed in order to keep me off balance, which is pretty standard for someone with narcissistic tendencies.  It was rough.  It still is, unfortunately.  However, I am finally separate from him and I'm finally able to start really focusing on my emotional and mental health.

I don't like sharing custody of my three boys with their dad, but it has to be done.  Although I miss them when their gone, I enjoy spending time alone.  Like a lot.  I find that I'm in the moment a lot more than I ever was before.  I'm able to relish the moment because I'm not constantly worrying about pleasing him or wondering what he's going to do or say next.  I also have discovered that I love myself and I am worthy of love and safety.  I feel safe in my own space and home now.

My kids and I have a happy, peaceful home now.  This divorce has been full of lessons.  One of the  lessons about my ex husband and his relationship with the kids is this; I can't protect them from each other.  I know while their dad was living at home, I did step in between them and their dad because I was worried about the affect he would have on them.  I think I also protected my ex husband from the kids, too.  I can't really describe how, but I did.  Now, there's no more protecting done on my part.  All I can do is be an anchor for my kids of the truth and to remind them that they are loved and worthy and forgiven.

When living with a narcissist, there is no grace offered whatsoever.  Perfection is the name of the game and anything less than perfection is a reflection on the narcissist, or they take it that way.  It's brutal and I have tried to be the total opposite of this with my kids.  I am completely real and apologize to them if I've hurt their feelings in hopes that they will see that I'm real and I'm not perfect and that perfection is not the goal.  

I feel like I'm bursting with love now and I can't wait to share it with others.  I lavish love on my kids with physical affection like hugs and kisses (when my teenage boys will let me) and I encourage them and prod them to do their best.  I am also filled with more gratitude than before and I see the good in people more than I did before.  I also don't put quite so much pressure on myself as I used to because I used to internalize the pressure that my ex husband would put on himself and on me and the kids.  That was a lot of stress and was very unhealthy.  

Divorce is hard, but I honestly feel that this was the only option for me and my kids to get healthy and to find peace.  Finally being free to "love ourselves back to life".  Glory to God.

Adulting IS Hard

They say that adulting is hard.  Who is 'they', anyway?  I don't know if we'll ever know the answer to that, but it still stands that being an adult is hard.  What does it mean to be an adult?  Well, beyond the physical actions that you see adults engaging in such as working a full-time job, paying bills and balancing a budget/checkbook, there's an emotional aspect that comes with being an adult as well. Like????

Well, generally adults don't throw temper tantrums.  (I'm looking at you, Occupy Movement.)  There's this little thing called self-control and as an adult, if you want to be successful, you have to build that self-control muscle.  I could even go so far as to say it's called self-control for a reason and not 'others-control' because you are the only person on this planet that you can control.  Remember that.  Others will do things you don't like, but it's up to you to handle your own emotions and deal with them wisely.  That looks different for everyone I'm sure, however, if  you want to live at the mercy of others, by all means, ride every wave of feelings that comes into your head.  Let me know how that works for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness.  Period.  There isn't one other person on this planet now or previously that is or was responsible for your happiness.  No one can make you 'feel' a certain way.  You allow it or you don't.  So, you have to be careful on that front, too.  You could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so good'.  That's only because you accept their behavior and process it as good.  On the other hand, you could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so bad'.  That's because of the way you process it.  Now, there are people out there with abusive behaviors, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Adulting means that we have needs and we are aware of who can meet them.  We have emotional needs, physical needs, and spiritual needs.  Some of those needs others can meet, some of which we have to meet on our own.  For example, you feed yourself, right?  You shop for, prepare and cook food to physically feed your body.  However, you cannot hug yourself.  Only others can do that.  Some emotional needs that we have can be met by ourselves.  There's a constant internal conversation that we have with ourselves.  I think that is where we have the ability to turn it around for ourselves emotionally.  Training the internal voice and tweaking the conversation that we hold is major.  In the spiritual department, we all have a need for God.  There's a God shaped hole in our hearts and minds that only God can fill.  When we realize that we have to take up our cross and work out our OWN salvation, that's when we can start to work with God to fill that hole.  Nobody here on earth can do that for you.  Pastors and priests and clergy can point you to God, but they are not God themselves.  

Here's where I think a lot of relationships go bad.  Marriages, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, parent/child relationships, etc. all start to fail when we start to put the needs that we can meet for ourselves and the ones that only God can meet onto others.  Doing so is a recipe for disaster.  These become an unrealistic expectation in a relationship, which furthers the recipe for disaster.  There are other expectations that become unrealistic as well; unspoken expectations.  When we don't ask for what we want or need, things can definitely start to go sideways.  There are also some caveats to this scenario, but that is also another topic for another day.

If you're in a relationship with any of these tendencies on your part or the part of your partner, it's not too late to change these.  It's going to take some work, but depending on the situation, it might be worth it to put in the work to reverse these bad behaviors.  Again, you are responsible for YOUR behaviors and working on yourself.  You should not accept responsibility for anyone else even if they insist that you are the person solely responsible for their happiness.  That's a red flag and it might be time to reevaluate things.  

So, yes, being an adult is hard because not only do you have the physical, outward responsibilities to take care of, you have the responsibility to keep your emotional health in check, and only YOU can do that for yourself.  I feel like Smokey the Bear, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires.", except it should be a different tagline of, "Only YOU can prevent emotional self-destruction.".  Or something.  

  

What's Love Got to Do With...Codependency?

Codependency is defined by Mental Health America as, "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Codependency is not an 'issue' that often takes center stage in the likes of commercials, movies, music, television shows or the typical 1980's PSA movement.  When we hear the word 'codependent', we automatically think of alcoholics or drug addicts and the relationships they find themselves in with their substance of choice.  Or it refers to the spouse or family member of an addict.  There is codependency without alcohol or drugs involved.  People can find themselves addicted to a relationship; a husband and wife, or a child/parent relationship.  Not only has it not been something that's been discussed, I think that subliminally society has perpetuated it on some level.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I think that there are lots of underlying messages in songs, movies, commercials, and social media, all of which parents have been or should be concerned about and lots of those issues have been addressed in some way or another.  I remember as a kid passing through the living room while Tipper Gore droned on in the background about labeling cassette tapes for explicit language in music. Movies and reality television shows often showcase issues like pregnancy out of wedlock (I'm looking at you, Candice Bergen of Murphy Brown), abortion, drug use, smoking, etc to desensitize the public to these issues, even though some of them are wrong in the eyes of God.

Commercials also obviously work their way into our psyche with messages about products and foods and clothes.  "Buy this and you'll look beautiful."  "Eat this and lose weight."  Music also plays a HUGE role in shaping who we are.  The messages they send out are so subliminal, though, that sometimes we don't even know that our minds are being shaped or molded by what we're listening to.

My journey to become more healthy mentally started about five years ago.  I was first introduced to the word codependency in a very real way when I discovered that my husband and I were in a codependent relationship.  Neither one of us has substance abuse issues, but we have self-esteem issues.  That was a light bulb moment for me.  I wish I had paid a bit more attention to it then, but my eyes had definitely been opened.  As it says on the Mental Health America website, the first step is to understand the problem.  Then you'll need to educate yourself on the issue so that you can 'unlearn' those behaviors.

As I've been going through this journey of self-discovery and learning to implement more of the healthy behaviors I've learned in therapy, I started to wonder if there could have been more of an accurate message in the depiction of love and marriage interwoven into the movies and messages and songs produced over the years.  What we hear on the radio at times and see in the movies is completely unrealistic.  We start off as little girls dreaming of Prince Charming when we watch Cinderella and Snow White.  We start to believe that a man is going to rescue us and take care of us for the rest of our lives.  It's not just movies for children that perpetuate this idea; adult movies do the same thing.

We hear on the movies lines like, "You complete me."  Sounds good and all the females in the audience swoon, but I'm here to remind you, that's not love.  That's called codependency.  When you rely on others, or someone relies on you, for their identity of their sense of worth, you've got a problem.  This is something I wish was discussed more often in Hollywood circles, but sadly, that doesn't sell tickets, so, yeah.

So besides this Jesus blog being a place to share my own personal faith and my journey to being a better version of Kelly, I would love for this to be a place for practical application as well.  If  any of what I've written about sounds familiar to you, but you aren't sure if you're in a codependent relationship, click this link here to read through a list of qualifiers of what constitutes one.  If you are in an unhealthy relationship, if you are contemplating marriage, (or a divorce), I would encourage you to see a licensed marriage counselor or an individual counselor to get the help you need.  Please also remember that there's absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.