I got my heart broken at church on Sunday. I get my heart broken at church almost every Sunday when I go. It's not what you'd think that would break my heart, though, sometimes it is. Most of the time it's this: I'm divorced and my ex husband and my kids go to the same church as I do. On the weekends when I have the kids, it's great. We sit together and love on each other and sing worship songs together. It's really a treat. On the weekends that they stay with their dad...it's pretty terrible. The two younger boys come sit with me and my oldest son stays with his dad. We essentially live separate lives now and it hurts every time there's a reminder of the separation.
Then, we leave church. They go home with their dad and my tears start flowing. Not every time, but almost. Then the realization of what our marriage counselor warned us about comes to the forefront of my mind and I cry harder. She told us that divorce was just trading one set of problems for another. She was right. She warned my ex husband about how he wouldn't be there to tuck the kids in at night anymore because he wouldn't be at home. She warned me about not really being 'free' from my ex husband which is what I wanted more than anything during our counseling sessions. She was right about all of it.
The other part of this that's so heartbreaking is that no matter what I do or say or how healthy I am as an individual, my ex husband will never change. I will never have the marriage I dreamed of as a young bride with my new spouse because of his narcissistic tendencies. Our union will never be an emotionally healthy one and we prove it each time we try and have a discussion or a conversation about anything as it relates to the kids or with, dun-dun-dun; MONEY. Those two topics are nearly as hotly contested as the topic of who was to blame for the demise of our relationship. I'm pretty sure you can guess he expects me to shoulder the blame for that.
I did do that for a long time, though. I blamed myself for everything and took responsibility for everything and apologized for, yep, EVERYTHING. When I met my previous therapist, she said her first order of business, or one of the first, was to eliminate the words, 'I'm sorry' from my vocabulary. It's true. And I rarely use those words anymore. I might say, 'I apologize', or 'my mistake' or something along those lines, but nearly never say 'I'm sorry' anymore. It does make a difference, you know. It helps with self esteem issues because to me, I'm essentially saying that I'm sorry. I'm a sorry individual, and that's not true. But I digress.
I do know this; I know that divorce hurts. It hurts everyone involved and it's not something I set out to do. Never thought I'd say the words, 'I'm divorced', or 'my ex husband'. Never. Life doesn't always turn out the way that you expect it will, though. I wanted God to heal my marriage for the longest time, but it takes two people, two healthy people, to heal a marriage with God's help. There was only one of us who wanted to make it happen; me.
If you are married, with or without kids, I implore you to try and stay married. The alternative is not good. Measure your heart; not your spouses because no one can. Find counseling help if it's needed. Try to stay consistent with your relationship as much as possible. I know things fall by the wayside because, well, because life happens. Get back up and try again. Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself. Let grace abound. Channel the love from the Lord that you have and let it flow through you to your family. You won't regret it, no matter what.
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