Unshackled: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

 Divorcing a narcissist is hard.  Period.  No two ways about it.  Each time I have to deal with my narcissist ex husband, even though his playbook is the same, it's nearly just as difficult as the time before.  However, the good news is that I'm learning something new each time we have to interact.  Then it helps me prepare for the next encounter that we have and though I may not get any better at the interactions, I can see them for what they are and it doesn't take me as long to get through it and come out on the other side.

Narcissists are extremely selfish people and they project their selfishness onto others, my situation is no different.  Thing is, I know that I'm not a selfish person.  I know I can be, heck, anyone can be at times, but I think that for the most part I'm a very giving and caring person.  He also likes to throw my mistakes in my face and there's no point in defending myself because then it starts a whole tangent of conversation and you get all twisted up in their web of lies and entrapments and you can't break free.

I had such an interaction with the narcissist I used to be married to last Friday morning.  More of the same tactics; blame and shame, guilt, projection, gaslighting, etc.  He's never held accountable for his actions.  He went so far as to say that I need to set up some structure for the kids while they're at home this summer while I'm holding down a full time job.  I asked my kids what they did yesterday at their dad's house while HE was at work.  Guess what?  No structure and plenty of television and video games to go around.  Do as I say, not as I do is another narcissist mantra and my ex knows that one far too well.

He saw that behavior modeled by his parents and it stuck with him.  His parents and his grandparents are the reason that he lives as a narcissist.  His mother was emotionally absent from his childhood and his father, in my estimation was a narcissist himself.  You can't tell them that, though.  You can't tell a narcissist how they operate because they'll deny it until the cows come home.  They'll also take that opportunity to throw their bad behavior in your face as though you were the perpetrator; also known as gaslighting.  

Now here's where I find myself in the healing process, and trust me, it's been a process.  I need to stop caring what he thinks of me.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm a bad mom.  Just because he thinks that of me doesn't make it true.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm an awful human being because I know that isn't true, either.  I also need to stop caring that he accused me of being selfish because, again, that's an untrue statement.  I'm trying my best to be patient with myself because I know I've come a long way.