Be Doers and Not Just Hearers

 As I've been going through this divorce and spending time alone on the weekends, I've found out some things about myself that I didn't know before: I really like spending time alone!   I'm not intimidated by going to restaurants alone anymore.  I take a book and get cozy in the back corner booth and eat my food and enjoy my book.  

I also enjoy lighting candles and arranging flowers while listening to music.  I knew these things about myself already, but these are things that I wasn't really able to do while married because the candles gave off scents and my ex husband didn't like the smell of candles.  Lighting candles really set the mood for my activities and listening to music keeps my mind occupied.  My mind is occupied with healthy thoughts and peace, which is kind of new for me.

I also feel warm and fuzzy on the inside most of the time.  I know that sounds weird, but I feel so safe and at peace and I wish I could share that feeling with everyone around me.  This is the only way I know how to share it is through written word.  I just love God and myself and my kids and family and all of those around me.  My house feels like a safe haven and I'm so thankful for that.  I really like myself now.  I have been working on myself for a while now, mentally and physically.  

I like to think that I'm in detox mode.  My mind and my spirit and my soul are detoxing from all of the narcissism that was so prevalent in my married life.  It's sad because I do really still care for my ex husband and in all honesty, I feel sorry for him that he will never know what true love feels like.  I wrote this journal entry as a kind of letter to him although I won't let him read it, this is what it says:

    "At some point in your life someone hurt you and that caused you to feel like you had to build a wall around your heart.  It also caused you to want to try and control all of your world in order to feel safe and you got used to that way of life.  There was no way for me to know that before we got married.  You continued that way of life into our marriage and even now that is still how you do things.  Your parents stunted your emotional growth as a child and I am heart broken for you.  Now it's up to you to pick up the broken pieces of your childhood and find peace in the future."

Now, will that happen?  As much as I'd like for it to, no, it won't.  My ex husband will never find peace or love or acceptance.  Do you know why?  Narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies don't love themselves. They present a different side to the world, though.  They act super confident when deep inside they don't think that they are worthy or loveable.  It kind of reminds me of a scripture verse found in the book of James.  It goes like this: "Anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."-James 1:23-24

The reason that makes me think of a narcissist is because that's essentially what they do.  In my opinion, if they could accept the love of Christ in a real, tangible way that they wouldn't feel unloved and unworthy.  They wouldn't stay in that state and thereby treat others with disdain and contempt.  They would be able to celebrate the successes of others without feeling threatened and they would know that they are worthy of the sacrifice God made by sending his only son to die for our sins on the cross.

Sometimes it's not only narcissists who feel this way, though.  I think from time to time we can all feel less than worthy of the cross or we can allow ourselves to do some 'stinking thinking' that will allow us to wallow in self pity.  The difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we've made that intimate connection with Jesus to know that we can shake off the mistakes of the past and accept forgiveness with open arms.  And all of God's children say, "Amen."

Unshackled: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

 Divorcing a narcissist is hard.  Period.  No two ways about it.  Each time I have to deal with my narcissist ex husband, even though his playbook is the same, it's nearly just as difficult as the time before.  However, the good news is that I'm learning something new each time we have to interact.  Then it helps me prepare for the next encounter that we have and though I may not get any better at the interactions, I can see them for what they are and it doesn't take me as long to get through it and come out on the other side.

Narcissists are extremely selfish people and they project their selfishness onto others, my situation is no different.  Thing is, I know that I'm not a selfish person.  I know I can be, heck, anyone can be at times, but I think that for the most part I'm a very giving and caring person.  He also likes to throw my mistakes in my face and there's no point in defending myself because then it starts a whole tangent of conversation and you get all twisted up in their web of lies and entrapments and you can't break free.

I had such an interaction with the narcissist I used to be married to last Friday morning.  More of the same tactics; blame and shame, guilt, projection, gaslighting, etc.  He's never held accountable for his actions.  He went so far as to say that I need to set up some structure for the kids while they're at home this summer while I'm holding down a full time job.  I asked my kids what they did yesterday at their dad's house while HE was at work.  Guess what?  No structure and plenty of television and video games to go around.  Do as I say, not as I do is another narcissist mantra and my ex knows that one far too well.

He saw that behavior modeled by his parents and it stuck with him.  His parents and his grandparents are the reason that he lives as a narcissist.  His mother was emotionally absent from his childhood and his father, in my estimation was a narcissist himself.  You can't tell them that, though.  You can't tell a narcissist how they operate because they'll deny it until the cows come home.  They'll also take that opportunity to throw their bad behavior in your face as though you were the perpetrator; also known as gaslighting.  

Now here's where I find myself in the healing process, and trust me, it's been a process.  I need to stop caring what he thinks of me.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm a bad mom.  Just because he thinks that of me doesn't make it true.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm an awful human being because I know that isn't true, either.  I also need to stop caring that he accused me of being selfish because, again, that's an untrue statement.  I'm trying my best to be patient with myself because I know I've come a long way.

Loving Myself Back to Life

 I am a huge fan of the home makeover show called Home Town.  They also have a show called Home Town Takeover where the two hosts of Home Town, married couple Ben and Erin Napier have adopted the town of Wetumpka, Alabama in an effort to revitalize their town.  They said something on the show tonight and it really hit home with me.  They said of their efforts in the little town that "they were loving the town back to life."

I have just left an abusive relationship.  Not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally abusive at the hands of a narcissist.  There are a number of things that categorize the relationship I was in as narcissistic abuse, none of which I care to get into at the moment.  However, I bring that up to show you how I relate to the quote of loving the town back to life.  At this point in my life, I feel I am doing that right now, "loving myself back to life."

In a relationship with a narcissist, the victim loses their selves in an effort to appease the abuser.  I was no different.  I assumed that his happiness meant that I would get to be happy, but it never was to be.  The goal post always moved and the rules always changed in order to keep me off balance, which is pretty standard for someone with narcissistic tendencies.  It was rough.  It still is, unfortunately.  However, I am finally separate from him and I'm finally able to start really focusing on my emotional and mental health.

I don't like sharing custody of my three boys with their dad, but it has to be done.  Although I miss them when their gone, I enjoy spending time alone.  Like a lot.  I find that I'm in the moment a lot more than I ever was before.  I'm able to relish the moment because I'm not constantly worrying about pleasing him or wondering what he's going to do or say next.  I also have discovered that I love myself and I am worthy of love and safety.  I feel safe in my own space and home now.

My kids and I have a happy, peaceful home now.  This divorce has been full of lessons.  One of the  lessons about my ex husband and his relationship with the kids is this; I can't protect them from each other.  I know while their dad was living at home, I did step in between them and their dad because I was worried about the affect he would have on them.  I think I also protected my ex husband from the kids, too.  I can't really describe how, but I did.  Now, there's no more protecting done on my part.  All I can do is be an anchor for my kids of the truth and to remind them that they are loved and worthy and forgiven.

When living with a narcissist, there is no grace offered whatsoever.  Perfection is the name of the game and anything less than perfection is a reflection on the narcissist, or they take it that way.  It's brutal and I have tried to be the total opposite of this with my kids.  I am completely real and apologize to them if I've hurt their feelings in hopes that they will see that I'm real and I'm not perfect and that perfection is not the goal.  

I feel like I'm bursting with love now and I can't wait to share it with others.  I lavish love on my kids with physical affection like hugs and kisses (when my teenage boys will let me) and I encourage them and prod them to do their best.  I am also filled with more gratitude than before and I see the good in people more than I did before.  I also don't put quite so much pressure on myself as I used to because I used to internalize the pressure that my ex husband would put on himself and on me and the kids.  That was a lot of stress and was very unhealthy.  

Divorce is hard, but I honestly feel that this was the only option for me and my kids to get healthy and to find peace.  Finally being free to "love ourselves back to life".  Glory to God.

Adulting IS Hard

They say that adulting is hard.  Who is 'they', anyway?  I don't know if we'll ever know the answer to that, but it still stands that being an adult is hard.  What does it mean to be an adult?  Well, beyond the physical actions that you see adults engaging in such as working a full-time job, paying bills and balancing a budget/checkbook, there's an emotional aspect that comes with being an adult as well. Like????

Well, generally adults don't throw temper tantrums.  (I'm looking at you, Occupy Movement.)  There's this little thing called self-control and as an adult, if you want to be successful, you have to build that self-control muscle.  I could even go so far as to say it's called self-control for a reason and not 'others-control' because you are the only person on this planet that you can control.  Remember that.  Others will do things you don't like, but it's up to you to handle your own emotions and deal with them wisely.  That looks different for everyone I'm sure, however, if  you want to live at the mercy of others, by all means, ride every wave of feelings that comes into your head.  Let me know how that works for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness.  Period.  There isn't one other person on this planet now or previously that is or was responsible for your happiness.  No one can make you 'feel' a certain way.  You allow it or you don't.  So, you have to be careful on that front, too.  You could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so good'.  That's only because you accept their behavior and process it as good.  On the other hand, you could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so bad'.  That's because of the way you process it.  Now, there are people out there with abusive behaviors, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Adulting means that we have needs and we are aware of who can meet them.  We have emotional needs, physical needs, and spiritual needs.  Some of those needs others can meet, some of which we have to meet on our own.  For example, you feed yourself, right?  You shop for, prepare and cook food to physically feed your body.  However, you cannot hug yourself.  Only others can do that.  Some emotional needs that we have can be met by ourselves.  There's a constant internal conversation that we have with ourselves.  I think that is where we have the ability to turn it around for ourselves emotionally.  Training the internal voice and tweaking the conversation that we hold is major.  In the spiritual department, we all have a need for God.  There's a God shaped hole in our hearts and minds that only God can fill.  When we realize that we have to take up our cross and work out our OWN salvation, that's when we can start to work with God to fill that hole.  Nobody here on earth can do that for you.  Pastors and priests and clergy can point you to God, but they are not God themselves.  

Here's where I think a lot of relationships go bad.  Marriages, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, parent/child relationships, etc. all start to fail when we start to put the needs that we can meet for ourselves and the ones that only God can meet onto others.  Doing so is a recipe for disaster.  These become an unrealistic expectation in a relationship, which furthers the recipe for disaster.  There are other expectations that become unrealistic as well; unspoken expectations.  When we don't ask for what we want or need, things can definitely start to go sideways.  There are also some caveats to this scenario, but that is also another topic for another day.

If you're in a relationship with any of these tendencies on your part or the part of your partner, it's not too late to change these.  It's going to take some work, but depending on the situation, it might be worth it to put in the work to reverse these bad behaviors.  Again, you are responsible for YOUR behaviors and working on yourself.  You should not accept responsibility for anyone else even if they insist that you are the person solely responsible for their happiness.  That's a red flag and it might be time to reevaluate things.  

So, yes, being an adult is hard because not only do you have the physical, outward responsibilities to take care of, you have the responsibility to keep your emotional health in check, and only YOU can do that for yourself.  I feel like Smokey the Bear, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires.", except it should be a different tagline of, "Only YOU can prevent emotional self-destruction.".  Or something.  

  

What's Your 'Rock-n-Roll'?

 

You might not know this about me, but I'm a music lover.  I enjoy all kinds of music, some of which happens to fall under the heavy metal category. Bands like Metallica, Led Zepplin, and AC/DC round out some of my favorite metal bands, and they of course find their way into the rotation on my playlists for workout music, and today was no exception.  I was on an AC/DC jag today and I was thinking, as I often do on the treadmill about a myriad of things, however, I kept noticing a theme in the titles of the AC/DC songs.

The word 'rock' kept popping up.  "For Those About to Rock", "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" and "It's a Long Way to the Top (if you wanna rock and roll)".  Now, the band was either largely unoriginal when coming up with song titles, or they had a theme they were going for.  Personally, I think it was a theme.  I've loved "For Those About to Rock" for a long time and since I became involved politically I've always wanted to use it in a parody in order to encourage others to vote.  For Those About to Vote, we salute you!  Right?  I still think it's a good idea.  Not quite as edgy as the most recent voter turnout video titled, "Get your booty to the polls".  Just Google it, bro...

Back to my original point, you could technically substitute whatever verb you wanted in where the word 'rock' appears in those titles and song lyrics.  Thus the title of this blog, What's YOUR rock-n-roll?  "It's a Long Way to the Top (if you wanna succeed in your personal life and your marriage)."  YOU fill in the blank.  "For Those About to Pursue Health and Wellness", we salute you!  If you're doing something or reaching for something in life that no one approves of and you want to give them the middle finger and tell them to step off, "Getting Fit and Healthy Ain't Noise Pollution".  Whatever you want it to be, then it is just that.  

The sky's the limit on this.  I too am a themed individual.  I love themed parties and giving themed gifts to people.  So, if you'll notice the things I subbed in for the words 'rock-n-roll' are things I'm personally working on.  I'm pursuing health and wellness and wanting to succeed in my personal life and, well, with my relationship with my kids.  I'm also getting fit and healthy, which is just another way of saying that I'm pursuing health and wellness, I guess.  

So ask yourself today, what is MY rock-n-roll?  You might be surprised by the answer...

Be The Spark

Hello, readers!  It's been a while since I've posted anything here on the Jesus blog.  If you're a Facebook friend of mine, you probably know the big reason that I've gone radio silent is because I'm getting a divorce.  My twenty-three year marriage has come to an end and it has been devastatingly sad.  I sometimes am so sad I can't think straight and I'm not exaggerating.  You know, it's in times like these, during great loss, whether it be through death or a divorce or some other catastrophic event in ones life, you find yourself (or others) doing things differently or perhaps doing something you never thought you might.  

Everyone copes or handles their grief in various ways.  Some people want to be left alone, some people eat their feelings, some people want to be surrounded with friends to help them grieve, some people turn to God to deepen their faith and some develop hobbies or throw themselves into work.  Some people drink or turn to drugs to cope, you get the idea.  I've probably done a little of all of those, except for the drugs part save for a few Advil here and there.  That, my friends, brings me to where I am today to write this particular post for your reading pleasure.

I've been working hard or harder than before at discipling my kids.  I thought I was pretty good at it, but looking back, I'm not so sure I was.  Until this year when I made a conscious decision to sit down with the kids every night to read the Bible and pray with them.  It's a work in progress, but it's a good start, if I do say so myself.  We've had fits and starts and some days when we haven't sat down and read together, but when we miss a day, we just do it the next day.  No big deal.  

I went to church on Sunday and listened to the message.  I almost always listen to the message unless I'm distracted by my own thoughts, but this Sunday, my mind was quiet and I was paying attention to Pastor Bailiff.  He came up with this amazing but simple concept for our lesson and it was titled, "The Mind of Christ."  I have to tell you, it was profound because it was foundational.  It was so basic, but it was like he was giving me the building blocks to a foundation for a solid relationship with Jesus.  I was so glad that I was there for it.

The first principle was that the mind of Christ is a pursuit.  You have to take action if you want a relationship with Christ.  The first step is to make a profession of faith, but you have to take up your cross daily and work on that relationship.  

Second principle was that the mind of Christ is a choice.  He cited Colossians 3:1-2 that says, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

Last principle is that the mind of Christ is a transformation.  Romans 12: 1-2 is our reference point for this and it reads, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This was a huge jumping off point for me to dive into the Word of God with my kids and a starting point to kind of overhaul our original approach to studying the Bible together.  I hope that this serves as an encouragement to you to start something wonderful with your family as well.  Be the spark.   

What's Love Got to Do With...Codependency?

Codependency is defined by Mental Health America as, "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Codependency is not an 'issue' that often takes center stage in the likes of commercials, movies, music, television shows or the typical 1980's PSA movement.  When we hear the word 'codependent', we automatically think of alcoholics or drug addicts and the relationships they find themselves in with their substance of choice.  Or it refers to the spouse or family member of an addict.  There is codependency without alcohol or drugs involved.  People can find themselves addicted to a relationship; a husband and wife, or a child/parent relationship.  Not only has it not been something that's been discussed, I think that subliminally society has perpetuated it on some level.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I think that there are lots of underlying messages in songs, movies, commercials, and social media, all of which parents have been or should be concerned about and lots of those issues have been addressed in some way or another.  I remember as a kid passing through the living room while Tipper Gore droned on in the background about labeling cassette tapes for explicit language in music. Movies and reality television shows often showcase issues like pregnancy out of wedlock (I'm looking at you, Candice Bergen of Murphy Brown), abortion, drug use, smoking, etc to desensitize the public to these issues, even though some of them are wrong in the eyes of God.

Commercials also obviously work their way into our psyche with messages about products and foods and clothes.  "Buy this and you'll look beautiful."  "Eat this and lose weight."  Music also plays a HUGE role in shaping who we are.  The messages they send out are so subliminal, though, that sometimes we don't even know that our minds are being shaped or molded by what we're listening to.

My journey to become more healthy mentally started about five years ago.  I was first introduced to the word codependency in a very real way when I discovered that my husband and I were in a codependent relationship.  Neither one of us has substance abuse issues, but we have self-esteem issues.  That was a light bulb moment for me.  I wish I had paid a bit more attention to it then, but my eyes had definitely been opened.  As it says on the Mental Health America website, the first step is to understand the problem.  Then you'll need to educate yourself on the issue so that you can 'unlearn' those behaviors.

As I've been going through this journey of self-discovery and learning to implement more of the healthy behaviors I've learned in therapy, I started to wonder if there could have been more of an accurate message in the depiction of love and marriage interwoven into the movies and messages and songs produced over the years.  What we hear on the radio at times and see in the movies is completely unrealistic.  We start off as little girls dreaming of Prince Charming when we watch Cinderella and Snow White.  We start to believe that a man is going to rescue us and take care of us for the rest of our lives.  It's not just movies for children that perpetuate this idea; adult movies do the same thing.

We hear on the movies lines like, "You complete me."  Sounds good and all the females in the audience swoon, but I'm here to remind you, that's not love.  That's called codependency.  When you rely on others, or someone relies on you, for their identity of their sense of worth, you've got a problem.  This is something I wish was discussed more often in Hollywood circles, but sadly, that doesn't sell tickets, so, yeah.

So besides this Jesus blog being a place to share my own personal faith and my journey to being a better version of Kelly, I would love for this to be a place for practical application as well.  If  any of what I've written about sounds familiar to you, but you aren't sure if you're in a codependent relationship, click this link here to read through a list of qualifiers of what constitutes one.  If you are in an unhealthy relationship, if you are contemplating marriage, (or a divorce), I would encourage you to see a licensed marriage counselor or an individual counselor to get the help you need.  Please also remember that there's absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.