Time Never Stops...What Are You Doing With Yours?

I have been going through some growing pains as I've been healing from divorce and really taking the time to rediscover myself through the new opportunity I have been given through my singleness.  I had a period of time when everything was sad and it reminded me of being married and the pain that the divorce caused me and my children.  I carried a lot of guilt for it and sometimes I still do, but for the most part I have let that go.  

I had a thought about big picture type stuff the other day at a stop light.  Instead of focusing on all the sad things, I had a thought about all of the wonderful things I've done and experienced and contributed to over the years.  I have three amazing sons that I gave birth to, breastfed all three of them through nipple pain, mastitis, fevers and abscesses all with their best interest at heart. We homeschooled for many years and I'm proud of the work that I did in them, even though it wasn't always done perfectly. I taught my children how to read, add and subtract and I showed them how to cook.  They know how to clean the house and use the washing machine.  That's not the point of this post, though, and I'll get there soon.

Everything that I've experienced and done, whether good or bad has brought me to where I am today.  I'm here because of all of the things that were placed in my life.  So, if I wanted to cancel out part of my past because of the pain that those things brought me, it would take away from who I am now.  The death of my father when I was just eighteen years old ranks up there as the most painful thing I've ever experienced.  I lost some other family members in the next few years that were integral in my life, but none as important as my daddy.  My divorce after 23 years of marriage would be a close second as it's most like a death.  Just as you can't go back in the past and change things, I can't cancel those two events.  Would I love to have had my dad around to have met my kids?  Absolutely.  However, if my dad hadn't passed away, I'm not sure I would have become a Christ follower.  That's an important development in anyone's life.

If I hadn't gotten divorced, would I have had to look within myself for strength and resilience?  Probably not.  I was coasting and my ex husband was no help.  My mental health and physical fitness suffered during my marriage and especially during my divorce.  I was drinking too much beer and eating stuff that was not healthy for me.  I had put back on all the weight that I had lost a few years back and I was bordering on miserable because my clothes weren't fitting anymore, etc.  I knew that something had to be done, so I did something.

I reached out to a friend who I'd seen on social media having fantastic results after completing a program called 75 Hard.  I was intrigued.  She told me to get in touch with her fitness coach to talk about it, so I did.  We had a FaceTime call and I was terribly intimidated by the whole idea of 75 Hard.  Google it, bro.  Anyway, I wasn't in a place emotionally that I think I could have handled it, so instead I signed up for the 8 week winter challenge through the 1st Phorm app.  I learned the importance of protein in my diet and the need to move consistently during the week and on the weekend because weekends count, y'all.  

To say that I never looked back would be slightly inaccurate as I did backslide some last year and I yoyoed a bit between gaining and losing two to three pounds here and there, but I made a promise to myself at the beginning of 2022  that I was going to be fierce and focused.  I started on December 26th by throwing out all of the Christmas goodies and started eating healthier immediately.  The only bad food that I consumed was on December 31, 2021, which was New Year's Eve and I had some fried chicken and a beer.  I haven't had alcohol since then and I don't plan on it.  I also made a commitment to workout or get some movement in everyday, and I had a really good track record going until January 7th when I kind of flaked on the exercise.  No matter, though.

I came back with a vengeance on my own record and I started over on the next day and I haven't missed a day since then.  Today is day thirty-one of movement with some active rest days thrown in for good measure because you can't train muscles without giving them some recovery.  I've also incorporated yoga into my fitness regime to take the place of my active rest days.  Yoga has been life changing for me and I am committed to keeping that practice once a week.  I've also started getting my nails done on a regular basis as a small reward to myself for keeping up with my physical activity and my wellness.

I haven't even touched on the most important piece of this journey and that's the mental benefit of it all.  As I've said before, you can see the flex and the physical results of what I've been doing, but you can't see the inside.  I feel shiny and new and excited and joyful because I've taken control of my health and fitness.  Knowing that you're doing what's right is an amazing feeling.  Not perfect, but what's right.  There is some kind of security in routine, too.  I feel that when I put together my meals for the week and when I plan my workouts.

One other thing I'll mention is that I don't allow myself to get frustrated with life anymore.  I try to take each day as it comes and do the best I can with it.  I have removed all the pressure from my life by that one decision.  I set an intention for the day, primarily for it to be good no matter what.  I always start the day off with a selfie on Instagram and I say to make it a great day, and I mean that.  You have to make the decision to be happy.  Just for an example, last Friday when it was going to get really cold, one of the clients of the business I work for was supposed to come into the office on that day.  They called in early that morning to tell me that they couldn't (or didn't want to) come in because it was going to be too cold and basically implied that they cold weather was going to ruin the day for him.  I said, "It's still going to be a great day!"  And it was, despite the freezing temperatures.  I even got out and grocery shopped and went to the gym that day!  

The founder of 1stPhorm, Andy Frisella put out an email the other day that's stuck with me and I hope it sticks with you/helps you; he said, 

"Time never stops...the question is, what are you going to do with it?  They (winners) understand that time is going to pass whether they are pursuing their goals or not...The difference is winners start, keep improving, and never stop…"

So, I'll put it to you like Andy did....what are you going to do with your time?

Texas Public Policy Foundation Fights for Families in New initiative

 I love a good fight; especially one of an underdog story.  I always harken back to Ted Cruz's initial U.S. Senate run when he had 2% name identification in the polls and he managed to get then Lt. Governor David Dewhurst into a freaking runoff.  Good times.  Anyway, back to a good fight.  The fight for liberty never stops, and though I've most recently taken a bit of a back seat in that fight due to personal reasons, the desire for the little guy aka 'we the people' to be victorious has not been extinguished, and I imagine it never will be.  The problem with politics as a whole, is that there is a cult of personalities involved, which is something I used to thrive on, but it's exhausting and has left me battle weary.

So, if you see me writing and posting in obscure places, that's primarily why; I can do it on my own terms without fighting others for attention or for accolades because I don't need those anymore.  I feel like a lone wolf, a lone warrior, which I rather enjoy.  I know it takes a village to defeat the opposing ideas and policies, whether you want to defeat liberal ideologies and office holders or those on the right, but right now this is all I have the energy for.  Gossip and the questions of 'what have you heard about so and so', I just don't have time for it anymore.

Now that I've cleared that up a bit, I want to turn your attention to the efforts that are being made by Texas Public Policy Foundation (TPPF) on behalf of parents and families of the great state of Texas.  They're launching what they're calling a Right for Families campaign and from what I've read, it's an effort that I can get behind.  TPPF has seen the heartache that CPS can inflict on families and they're working to curb that with their initiative.  Here's a link to their press release.

        “The relationship between a parent and child is one of the most unique and important institutions in history,” said Andrew Brown, Distinguished Senior Fellow of Child & Family Policy. “Right for Families exists to protect and advance the institution of the family because healthy, strong Texas families are essential for a healthy, strong Texas.”

Here are the highlights of the initiative:

• Reform Foster Care Licensing and Regulation
• Expand Community-Based Care
• Require a Guilty Verdict Before Listing Individuals in the Central Registry
• Expand Service Options for Families
• End Hidden Foster Care
• Reform CPS Reporting Laws
• Define Best Interest of a Child
• Grant Adoptees Access to Original Birth Certificates
• Assess the Impact of Unaccompanied Migrant Children in Foster Care
• Protect Children from Gender Modification

I'm forever interested in protecting parental rights and I have been since the beginning of my political involvement.  Anything that anyone can do to try and reform the multi-headed beast that is Child Protective Services has my vote and my support.  This is more than rhetoric from a candidate trying to get elected, and I hope you'll either donate funds or find out how you can help to further this effort.

Texas State Agencies' Attempt to Keep Homeschoolers in the Crosshairs Could Be Foiled

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty; power is ever stealing from the many to the few."-Wendell Philips

Adjust your tinfoil hats, readers!  Or, don't, it's up to you.  I am a recovering tin foil hatter and a former home school mom, so you can imagine that my tin foil hat was stuck with glue for a while.  However, it may not have been affixed completely in vain.  Why's that, you ask?  Listen up to some tactics used by a state agency to keep home schoolers and parents rights advocates in the crosshairs of  the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services.

See, the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services wanted to, in my opinion, make life harder for those that opposed their agenda.  According to Parental Rights.org, which is ironically one of the parents rights advocate groups, the department wanted to, "...make it harder for Texas parents to seek the support of "advocacy organizations, such as parent rights advocated and homeschool coalitions" when they are being investigated for alleged child abuse or neglect.  (Yes, the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services actually singled out parent-rights advocates and homeschoolers!)"  Parental Rights sent the state agency a letter and you can read it here.

As a former home school mom who actually HAD Child Protective Services called on her for, get this, letting my children play outside unsupervised, I am appalled, but I should not be shocked by this revelation.  The woman representing CPS banged on the door so hard that my kids ran and hid in the laundry room.  They were terrified of going outside and were also saddened at the revelation that the cops that were sitting out there on our street that day were not there with my kids' safety or best interest in mind.

Needless to say, after my own personal experience, this kind of stuff gets my hackles up.  Infringing on personal liberties, especially the right to parent your child the way that the parent sees fit is wrong on so many levels.  I do understand that some parents out there give other parents a bad name, but the public school mentality of broad range punishment of the many because of the few has to stop.  If you've been reading my stuff for any length of time, you know I love an action item.  So, what can you do?  

Well, you can watch legislation like a hawk.  Honestly, though, what working, full-time parent has time to do that?  You can subscribe to email alerts from agencies or groups that have adopted an interest in the things that you're concerned about.  You can also call your legislators, state and federal.  Those are the things that make the most difference.  

What War On Drugs?

Nancy Regan is probably rolling over in her grave right now.  I grew up in the era of the dawn of the 'Just Say No' campaign to end drug abuse along with the start of the D.A.R.E initiative.  Nancy Reagan was at the forefront of this effort as many first ladies have pet projects to appear philanthropic with our money at their disposal.  Now, I'm not saying that the war on drugs wasn't a worthy initiative by any means, but my goodness, instead of celebrating how far we've come, we're now saying how far we've fallen.

How far we've fallen from the ideals of the 1980's Reagan era.  Either that or I'm an adult now and I've been jaded by the results or the lack of results we've seen over the years from government programs and initiatives.  It makes me sick at my stomach to think of all of the billions of dollars we've wasted on all of these things, but I digress.  We're living in ironic times, in my opinion and this is not the dawn of irony by any means, but things like what I'm writing about perpetuate the irony.  Like the article I saw come across my inbox this morning.

According to Texas Public Policy Foundation (TPPF), San Francisco has a new 'triage center' for addicts to help them become clean also allows drug use on site.  Say what?  Irony of all ironies.  You absolutely cannot make this stuff up.  You can read the article in it's entirety here so I won't spoil it for you, but these are the outcomes of liberal office holders being elected and the results of the policies they put in place.  When you read the article, you'll see that there are two stories being told, one of drug use allowed on site and one of drug use NOT being allowed. So, which is it?  

Then they do what typical liberals do, first say that it's a center for homeless people and then they say that it's set up only for servicing a certain neighborhood.  Well, as the article points out, if you're homeless, you're generally not in one particular neighborhood.  I mean...it's ridiculous.  The idea that left-wing policies and office holders are for the working-class people or for the average joe is ridiculous and they prove it over and over again.  Nobody is watching, though.

Ladies, Keep Having Sex With Your Husbands

I wrote a post about sex in marriage and a lot of you read it, so thank you for that.  However, after reading it over and over and internalizing and almost memorizing the article which is something I do on a post that I'm super proud of, I started thinking about a few things I may have forgotten to include that didn't really flow with the tone of the first post.  

First, I want to talk about the general differences between the sex drive of men and women.  There are exceptions to every rule and sometimes men are less sexually driven than their wives even though we often think of it the other way around.  Men generally do want sex more than women, it's just the reality of the situation and the way that men and women are created.  There's nothing wrong with either situation.  That's the main point that I want to communicate; there's nothing wrong with either of you, period.  So, if your man wants sex nearly every day, there's nothing wrong with him.  If your woman doesn't want sex every day, there's nothing wrong with her.  There has to be a level of communication and acceptance with the different roles that men and women assume in a marriage relationship as it pertains to the bedroom.  One other thing about frequency of sex; there are no set rules as to how many times a week you should be having sex.  You get to determine that between the two of you and that is a really beautiful thing.

Just as I said, the desired frequency will differ for every one, so I'm looking at the guys now.  Men, give your woman room to say 'no' to your advances every once in a while.  That way, they don't feel guilty for saying 'no'.  Just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no pouting when your woman says 'no' to you.  Accept the answer and give her a back rub or offer to do some other little small something instead of having sex so that the two of you can spend some quality time together.  I'd also like to encourage the women to initiate intimacy every now and again.  Men love it when you take the reins and start showing interest in having sex with them.  Same goes for you, too.  No pouting or crying if they don't want to 'do it' when you ask.

There might be a solution for this conflict that often occurs, and that is scheduling time for intimacy.  This was something that I frowned on because I loved the idea of being spontaneous and felt like a curmudgeon if I had to put 'sex' on the calendar.  I was probably wrong to feel this way.  It might have actually been freeing to do that so it was already set that it was going to happen and you could use some to time to mentally prepare for it.  Sometimes that's necessary for women, at least it was for me, to get mentally ready for sex beforehand.

Ladies, PARTICIPATE in the act of love making.  No man wants to make love to a rag doll.  Thoughts of kids, laundry and housework are NOT allowed into the bedroom during sex (or whichever room in the house or the car or wherever you might be having sex) with your partner!  Focus on the pleasure and allow yourself to let go and meet your partner right where he's touching you.  Make noise!  Make eye contact!  Communicate what you want!  You don't have to try and wake the neighbors, but if you want to, then go for it!  Be in the moment.  House doesn't have to be perfectly clean.  Laundry doesn't have to be done.  Kids don't necessarily need to be in bed, but whatever your preference is.  What I'm saying is, don't wait for the perfect moment to have sex because it will never, excuse the pun, come.  

Guys, as I mentioned in the first blog for the ladies to be sensitive to your feelings when making critiques of things that happen in the bedroom, I know that there are things that we women could improve on as well.  Don't blurt it out or fuss at us while we're in the middle of things.  Wait until there's time set aside and have the discussion.  If necessary, use alcohol prior to said conversation.

There's one other thing that I feel needs to be thrown in there and I know that you're going to roll your eyes when you hear it, but find out what your love language is and what love language your spouse identifies with.  It will be super helpful because what your husband thinks your love language is and what it actually is could be two totally different things.  Same for the wives.  Then you'll be able to speak the same 'language' and hopefully have a more successful sex life and marriage to boot.

This next tip has nothing to do with sex, although almost everything we do in marriage has to do with sex when you think about it.  Do me a favor and look for the good.  Open your eyes to the good in each other because it's so easy to look for the bad.  Usually what you look for is what you'll find.  Don't assume anything, but if you are going to assume, make sure you assume the best about your partner.  You'd like for them to assume the best about you, right?  You'd like for them to see the good in you, so why not try it for them?  When your spouse does something nice for you, write it down or commemorate it mentally or verbally thank them for it.  The small things add up to the big things.  

I know I've said a lot in this blog post and the last one about sex, but I really feel that it boils down to this; it's all mental.  There's a level of self-acceptance that needs to happen first before any of the other things I've written about can happen.  If you don't love yourself or even like yourself, how can you expect to love anyone else?  Do some daily affirmations or devotions and remember that if the God of creation is crazy in love with you, what's stopping you from being in love with yourself?  

Home Town Takeover Couple Continue to be Relationship Goals

 I know I've used the two creators of Home Town as touchpoints for what I call 'light bulb' moments before and gosh darn it if they haven't done it again.  I follow both Erin and Ben Napier on social media and I love them so much.  I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage when you have two imperfect people in it, but from the outside looking in, they seem pretty solid.  They seem to support one another and their personalities and strengths really compliment each other.  

The couple just welcomed their second daughter last week or so ago and by they looks of her most recent social media post since she mentioned the word surgery, I assumed that she probably had a c-section, or possibly an episiotomy.  Those c-sections are tough to recover from.  I would know because I had three of them.  They were each different in their own right, but they were all difficult to heal from because of the needs that the baby has and the needs that you have, etc.  Her post brought back a flood of memories from what I dealt with and it reminded me some of what I was missing in a spouse.  Her post had a picture of Ben giving their new baby a bottle and her caption under the sweet photo read like this:

        "If he's not scooping me up off the sofa as I'm still recovering from surgery, he's mixing a bottle or taking Helen swimming.  And I have kissed him every time he's in arm's reach because I know exactly how lucky we all are.  A reminder for those with spouses: tell them often--"thank you for everything you do for us."  and MEAN IT."

I sat there and stared at my phone screen and I started to cry.  Why?  For a couple of reasons and I'll get into them in more detail in a minute.  First, because of all the feels.  The fact that she has a husband who is willing to 'scoop her off the sofa'?!?  I mean, what woman doesn't want to be scooped off the sofa?  Sign me up for that!  And that she is being so well taken care of by her sweet husband is just so wonderful.  It's such a beautiful picture of how a marriage is supposed to be.  To serve and to be served, but mostly to serve.  That's what is so precious about this picture of the two of them.  I could go on and on.

Now, to the sad part of what made me cry.  I never had that when I had babies.  He helped me when I needed it, but there was no emotion in it except for frustration on his part.  Plus, I was so codependent on him that I couldn't function without him telling me what to do.  However, even with all of that 'hand holding', my ex husband didn't understand the nature of a woman at all.  I think women are still a mystery to him at times.  After reading the caption of the photo, I finally figured out why he never 'scooped me up' off the couch or really gave me the emotional support I needed during those times after having babies or any of the other stuff is because of the fact that a narcissist doesn't have an empathetic bone in their body.  To identify and sympathize with a weakness means that they would be admitting that they, too, have weaknesses and they can't admit that.  That would expose themselves to the world and they can't have that.  They can't let their mask slip off and show the world who they really are.

Every Sunday I Get My Heart Broken

I got my heart broken at church on Sunday.  I get my heart broken at church almost every Sunday when I go.  It's not what you'd think that would break my heart, though, sometimes it is.  Most of the time it's this: I'm divorced and my ex husband and my kids go to the same church as I do.  On the weekends when I have the kids, it's great.  We sit together and love on each other and sing worship songs together.  It's really a treat.  On the weekends that they stay with their dad...it's pretty terrible.  The two younger boys come sit with me and my oldest son stays with his dad.  We essentially live separate lives now and it hurts every time there's a reminder of the separation.

Then, we leave church.  They go home with their dad and my tears start flowing.  Not every time, but almost.  Then the realization of what our marriage counselor warned us about comes to the forefront of my mind and I cry harder.  She told us that divorce was just trading one set of problems for another.  She was right.  She warned my ex husband about how he wouldn't be there to tuck the kids in at night anymore because he wouldn't be at home.  She warned me about not really being 'free' from my ex husband which is what I wanted more than anything during our counseling sessions.  She was right about all of it.

The other part of this that's so heartbreaking is that no matter what I do or say or how healthy I am as an individual, my ex husband will never change.  I will never have the marriage I dreamed of as a young bride with my new spouse because of his narcissistic tendencies.  Our union will never be an emotionally healthy one and we prove it each time we try and have a discussion or a conversation about anything as it relates to the kids or with, dun-dun-dun; MONEY.  Those two topics are nearly as hotly contested as the topic of who was to blame for the demise of our relationship.  I'm pretty sure you can guess he expects me to shoulder the blame for that.  

I did do that for a long time, though.  I blamed myself for everything and took responsibility for everything and apologized for, yep, EVERYTHING.  When I met my previous therapist, she said her first order of business, or one of the first, was to eliminate the words, 'I'm sorry' from my vocabulary.  It's true.  And I rarely use those words anymore.  I might say, 'I apologize', or 'my mistake' or something along those lines, but nearly never say 'I'm sorry' anymore.  It does make a difference, you know.  It helps with self esteem issues because to me, I'm essentially saying that I'm sorry.  I'm a sorry individual, and that's not true.  But I digress.

I do know this; I know that divorce hurts.  It hurts everyone involved and it's not something I set out to do.  Never thought I'd say the words, 'I'm divorced', or 'my ex husband'.  Never.  Life doesn't always turn out the way that you expect it will, though.  I wanted God to heal my marriage for the longest time, but it takes two people, two healthy people, to heal a marriage with God's help.  There was only one of us who wanted to make it happen; me.  

If you are married, with or without kids, I implore you to try and stay married.  The alternative is not good. Measure your heart; not your spouses because no one can.  Find counseling help if it's needed.  Try to stay consistent with your relationship as much as possible.  I know things fall by the wayside because, well, because life happens.  Get back up and try again.  Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself.  Let grace abound.  Channel the love from the Lord that you have and let it flow through you to your family.  You won't regret it, no matter what.