Tracked: Could Be Coming to Your State

Reading things like this make me ill.  Not only are the news headlines full of articles about the "Don't Say Gay Bill" in Florida, but there are many others that tell tales of sexually trafficked and exploited children.  It's happening right here in Texas, too.  The foster care system is broken, as you might imagine and the latest news of abuse and neglect comes to us from Bastrop, Texas, the most small, historic town in Texas.  Unfortunately the quaintness of the town doesn't keep it from the evil of the day.

Texas Public Policy Foundation (TPPF) is often my go-to for news of what's going on in and around Texas, and it's because of their efforts to rectify the broken foster care system and child protective services, et al, that I'm even writing about this in the first place.  As I've stated in articles past, parental rights and children's rights are at the forefront of my mind and probably always will be.  So when they sent this email out about children being sexually exploited in a foster home, it made me sick to my stomach, and then it made me want to write about it and share it with you all.  You're welcome!

I won't go into the details of the investigation, but you can click the link to the article here if you care to read.  More to the reason that I'm writing this, too is to bring your attention back to the initiative that TPPF is making to correct the problems within the foster care system.  I wrote about that a few months ago when they sent out their email outlining their plans, and you can read that article here.  I wholeheartedly agree with their efforts and even asked for you to either donate to TPPF to further enable their fight OR to get you to roll up your sleeves and make a few phone calls or send a few pointed emails to state representatives.  

Here are a few highlights from the TPPF initiative as stated in the previous article:

• Reform Foster Care Licensing and Regulation
• Expand Community-Based Care
• Require a Guilty Verdict Before Listing Individuals in the Central Registry
• Expand Service Options for Families
• End Hidden Foster Care
• Reform CPS Reporting Laws
• Define Best Interest of a Child
• Grant Adoptees Access to Original Birth Certificates
• Assess the Impact of Unaccompanied Migrant Children in Foster Care
• Protect Children from Gender Modification

More news on Child Protective Services and their algorithm used to screen parents.  This news comes out of Pennsylvania, but I figured since I was covering the topic of abuse and neglect through the foster care and CPS system, I'd include it here.  There is an algorithm being used only in Allegheny, PA at the moment, but other states are considering implementing the use of said algorithm.  Parents and families don't even know that they've been subject to it, either, that's the sneaky part.  It's an imperfect system to be sure, according to the article.  The system seemed to target more black families for investigations of neglect and it also proves faulty as the article reports that social workers have disagreed with the scores produced by the algorithm a 1/3 of the time. There is no perfect means of investigation, but there are improvements that need to made, here in Texas and all across the USA.   Click here for the full article on the Allegheny.

That's a lot to chew on, but with the right support and funding, I believe it can be done.  Please visit TPPF at their website linked here.  If this is not a hot button issue for you, then find something that they cover or advocate for that IS important to you and support that.  Any questions, feel free to comment on the blog.  Thanks for reading and sharing!

Time Never Stops...What Are You Doing With Yours?

I have been going through some growing pains as I've been healing from divorce and really taking the time to rediscover myself through the new opportunity I have been given through my singleness.  I had a period of time when everything was sad and it reminded me of being married and the pain that the divorce caused me and my children.  I carried a lot of guilt for it and sometimes I still do, but for the most part I have let that go.  

I had a thought about big picture type stuff the other day at a stop light.  Instead of focusing on all the sad things, I had a thought about all of the wonderful things I've done and experienced and contributed to over the years.  I have three amazing sons that I gave birth to, breastfed all three of them through nipple pain, mastitis, fevers and abscesses all with their best interest at heart. We homeschooled for many years and I'm proud of the work that I did in them, even though it wasn't always done perfectly. I taught my children how to read, add and subtract and I showed them how to cook.  They know how to clean the house and use the washing machine.  That's not the point of this post, though, and I'll get there soon.

Everything that I've experienced and done, whether good or bad has brought me to where I am today.  I'm here because of all of the things that were placed in my life.  So, if I wanted to cancel out part of my past because of the pain that those things brought me, it would take away from who I am now.  The death of my father when I was just eighteen years old ranks up there as the most painful thing I've ever experienced.  I lost some other family members in the next few years that were integral in my life, but none as important as my daddy.  My divorce after 23 years of marriage would be a close second as it's most like a death.  Just as you can't go back in the past and change things, I can't cancel those two events.  Would I love to have had my dad around to have met my kids?  Absolutely.  However, if my dad hadn't passed away, I'm not sure I would have become a Christ follower.  That's an important development in anyone's life.

If I hadn't gotten divorced, would I have had to look within myself for strength and resilience?  Probably not.  I was coasting and my ex husband was no help.  My mental health and physical fitness suffered during my marriage and especially during my divorce.  I was drinking too much beer and eating stuff that was not healthy for me.  I had put back on all the weight that I had lost a few years back and I was bordering on miserable because my clothes weren't fitting anymore, etc.  I knew that something had to be done, so I did something.

I reached out to a friend who I'd seen on social media having fantastic results after completing a program called 75 Hard.  I was intrigued.  She told me to get in touch with her fitness coach to talk about it, so I did.  We had a FaceTime call and I was terribly intimidated by the whole idea of 75 Hard.  Google it, bro.  Anyway, I wasn't in a place emotionally that I think I could have handled it, so instead I signed up for the 8 week winter challenge through the 1st Phorm app.  I learned the importance of protein in my diet and the need to move consistently during the week and on the weekend because weekends count, y'all.  

To say that I never looked back would be slightly inaccurate as I did backslide some last year and I yoyoed a bit between gaining and losing two to three pounds here and there, but I made a promise to myself at the beginning of 2022  that I was going to be fierce and focused.  I started on December 26th by throwing out all of the Christmas goodies and started eating healthier immediately.  The only bad food that I consumed was on December 31, 2021, which was New Year's Eve and I had some fried chicken and a beer.  I haven't had alcohol since then and I don't plan on it.  I also made a commitment to workout or get some movement in everyday, and I had a really good track record going until January 7th when I kind of flaked on the exercise.  No matter, though.

I came back with a vengeance on my own record and I started over on the next day and I haven't missed a day since then.  Today is day thirty-one of movement with some active rest days thrown in for good measure because you can't train muscles without giving them some recovery.  I've also incorporated yoga into my fitness regime to take the place of my active rest days.  Yoga has been life changing for me and I am committed to keeping that practice once a week.  I've also started getting my nails done on a regular basis as a small reward to myself for keeping up with my physical activity and my wellness.

I haven't even touched on the most important piece of this journey and that's the mental benefit of it all.  As I've said before, you can see the flex and the physical results of what I've been doing, but you can't see the inside.  I feel shiny and new and excited and joyful because I've taken control of my health and fitness.  Knowing that you're doing what's right is an amazing feeling.  Not perfect, but what's right.  There is some kind of security in routine, too.  I feel that when I put together my meals for the week and when I plan my workouts.

One other thing I'll mention is that I don't allow myself to get frustrated with life anymore.  I try to take each day as it comes and do the best I can with it.  I have removed all the pressure from my life by that one decision.  I set an intention for the day, primarily for it to be good no matter what.  I always start the day off with a selfie on Instagram and I say to make it a great day, and I mean that.  You have to make the decision to be happy.  Just for an example, last Friday when it was going to get really cold, one of the clients of the business I work for was supposed to come into the office on that day.  They called in early that morning to tell me that they couldn't (or didn't want to) come in because it was going to be too cold and basically implied that they cold weather was going to ruin the day for him.  I said, "It's still going to be a great day!"  And it was, despite the freezing temperatures.  I even got out and grocery shopped and went to the gym that day!  

The founder of 1stPhorm, Andy Frisella put out an email the other day that's stuck with me and I hope it sticks with you/helps you; he said, 

"Time never stops...the question is, what are you going to do with it?  They (winners) understand that time is going to pass whether they are pursuing their goals or not...The difference is winners start, keep improving, and never stop…"

So, I'll put it to you like Andy did....what are you going to do with your time?

Texas Public Policy Foundation Fights for Families in New initiative

 I love a good fight; especially one of an underdog story.  I always harken back to Ted Cruz's initial U.S. Senate run when he had 2% name identification in the polls and he managed to get then Lt. Governor David Dewhurst into a freaking runoff.  Good times.  Anyway, back to a good fight.  The fight for liberty never stops, and though I've most recently taken a bit of a back seat in that fight due to personal reasons, the desire for the little guy aka 'we the people' to be victorious has not been extinguished, and I imagine it never will be.  The problem with politics as a whole, is that there is a cult of personalities involved, which is something I used to thrive on, but it's exhausting and has left me battle weary.

So, if you see me writing and posting in obscure places, that's primarily why; I can do it on my own terms without fighting others for attention or for accolades because I don't need those anymore.  I feel like a lone wolf, a lone warrior, which I rather enjoy.  I know it takes a village to defeat the opposing ideas and policies, whether you want to defeat liberal ideologies and office holders or those on the right, but right now this is all I have the energy for.  Gossip and the questions of 'what have you heard about so and so', I just don't have time for it anymore.

Now that I've cleared that up a bit, I want to turn your attention to the efforts that are being made by Texas Public Policy Foundation (TPPF) on behalf of parents and families of the great state of Texas.  They're launching what they're calling a Right for Families campaign and from what I've read, it's an effort that I can get behind.  TPPF has seen the heartache that CPS can inflict on families and they're working to curb that with their initiative.  Here's a link to their press release.

        “The relationship between a parent and child is one of the most unique and important institutions in history,” said Andrew Brown, Distinguished Senior Fellow of Child & Family Policy. “Right for Families exists to protect and advance the institution of the family because healthy, strong Texas families are essential for a healthy, strong Texas.”

Here are the highlights of the initiative:

• Reform Foster Care Licensing and Regulation
• Expand Community-Based Care
• Require a Guilty Verdict Before Listing Individuals in the Central Registry
• Expand Service Options for Families
• End Hidden Foster Care
• Reform CPS Reporting Laws
• Define Best Interest of a Child
• Grant Adoptees Access to Original Birth Certificates
• Assess the Impact of Unaccompanied Migrant Children in Foster Care
• Protect Children from Gender Modification

I'm forever interested in protecting parental rights and I have been since the beginning of my political involvement.  Anything that anyone can do to try and reform the multi-headed beast that is Child Protective Services has my vote and my support.  This is more than rhetoric from a candidate trying to get elected, and I hope you'll either donate funds or find out how you can help to further this effort.

Texas State Agencies' Attempt to Keep Homeschoolers in the Crosshairs Could Be Foiled

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty; power is ever stealing from the many to the few."-Wendell Philips

Adjust your tinfoil hats, readers!  Or, don't, it's up to you.  I am a recovering tin foil hatter and a former home school mom, so you can imagine that my tin foil hat was stuck with glue for a while.  However, it may not have been affixed completely in vain.  Why's that, you ask?  Listen up to some tactics used by a state agency to keep home schoolers and parents rights advocates in the crosshairs of  the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services.

See, the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services wanted to, in my opinion, make life harder for those that opposed their agenda.  According to Parental Rights.org, which is ironically one of the parents rights advocate groups, the department wanted to, "...make it harder for Texas parents to seek the support of "advocacy organizations, such as parent rights advocated and homeschool coalitions" when they are being investigated for alleged child abuse or neglect.  (Yes, the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services actually singled out parent-rights advocates and homeschoolers!)"  Parental Rights sent the state agency a letter and you can read it here.

As a former home school mom who actually HAD Child Protective Services called on her for, get this, letting my children play outside unsupervised, I am appalled, but I should not be shocked by this revelation.  The woman representing CPS banged on the door so hard that my kids ran and hid in the laundry room.  They were terrified of going outside and were also saddened at the revelation that the cops that were sitting out there on our street that day were not there with my kids' safety or best interest in mind.

Needless to say, after my own personal experience, this kind of stuff gets my hackles up.  Infringing on personal liberties, especially the right to parent your child the way that the parent sees fit is wrong on so many levels.  I do understand that some parents out there give other parents a bad name, but the public school mentality of broad range punishment of the many because of the few has to stop.  If you've been reading my stuff for any length of time, you know I love an action item.  So, what can you do?  

Well, you can watch legislation like a hawk.  Honestly, though, what working, full-time parent has time to do that?  You can subscribe to email alerts from agencies or groups that have adopted an interest in the things that you're concerned about.  You can also call your legislators, state and federal.  Those are the things that make the most difference.  

What War On Drugs?

Nancy Regan is probably rolling over in her grave right now.  I grew up in the era of the dawn of the 'Just Say No' campaign to end drug abuse along with the start of the D.A.R.E initiative.  Nancy Reagan was at the forefront of this effort as many first ladies have pet projects to appear philanthropic with our money at their disposal.  Now, I'm not saying that the war on drugs wasn't a worthy initiative by any means, but my goodness, instead of celebrating how far we've come, we're now saying how far we've fallen.

How far we've fallen from the ideals of the 1980's Reagan era.  Either that or I'm an adult now and I've been jaded by the results or the lack of results we've seen over the years from government programs and initiatives.  It makes me sick at my stomach to think of all of the billions of dollars we've wasted on all of these things, but I digress.  We're living in ironic times, in my opinion and this is not the dawn of irony by any means, but things like what I'm writing about perpetuate the irony.  Like the article I saw come across my inbox this morning.

According to Texas Public Policy Foundation (TPPF), San Francisco has a new 'triage center' for addicts to help them become clean also allows drug use on site.  Say what?  Irony of all ironies.  You absolutely cannot make this stuff up.  You can read the article in it's entirety here so I won't spoil it for you, but these are the outcomes of liberal office holders being elected and the results of the policies they put in place.  When you read the article, you'll see that there are two stories being told, one of drug use allowed on site and one of drug use NOT being allowed. So, which is it?  

Then they do what typical liberals do, first say that it's a center for homeless people and then they say that it's set up only for servicing a certain neighborhood.  Well, as the article points out, if you're homeless, you're generally not in one particular neighborhood.  I mean...it's ridiculous.  The idea that left-wing policies and office holders are for the working-class people or for the average joe is ridiculous and they prove it over and over again.  Nobody is watching, though.

Ladies, Keep Having Sex With Your Husbands

I wrote a post about sex in marriage and a lot of you read it, so thank you for that.  However, after reading it over and over and internalizing and almost memorizing the article which is something I do on a post that I'm super proud of, I started thinking about a few things I may have forgotten to include that didn't really flow with the tone of the first post.  

First, I want to talk about the general differences between the sex drive of men and women.  There are exceptions to every rule and sometimes men are less sexually driven than their wives even though we often think of it the other way around.  Men generally do want sex more than women, it's just the reality of the situation and the way that men and women are created.  There's nothing wrong with either situation.  That's the main point that I want to communicate; there's nothing wrong with either of you, period.  So, if your man wants sex nearly every day, there's nothing wrong with him.  If your woman doesn't want sex every day, there's nothing wrong with her.  There has to be a level of communication and acceptance with the different roles that men and women assume in a marriage relationship as it pertains to the bedroom.  One other thing about frequency of sex; there are no set rules as to how many times a week you should be having sex.  You get to determine that between the two of you and that is a really beautiful thing.

Just as I said, the desired frequency will differ for every one, so I'm looking at the guys now.  Men, give your woman room to say 'no' to your advances every once in a while.  That way, they don't feel guilty for saying 'no'.  Just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no pouting when your woman says 'no' to you.  Accept the answer and give her a back rub or offer to do some other little small something instead of having sex so that the two of you can spend some quality time together.  I'd also like to encourage the women to initiate intimacy every now and again.  Men love it when you take the reins and start showing interest in having sex with them.  Same goes for you, too.  No pouting or crying if they don't want to 'do it' when you ask.

There might be a solution for this conflict that often occurs, and that is scheduling time for intimacy.  This was something that I frowned on because I loved the idea of being spontaneous and felt like a curmudgeon if I had to put 'sex' on the calendar.  I was probably wrong to feel this way.  It might have actually been freeing to do that so it was already set that it was going to happen and you could use some to time to mentally prepare for it.  Sometimes that's necessary for women, at least it was for me, to get mentally ready for sex beforehand.

Ladies, PARTICIPATE in the act of love making.  No man wants to make love to a rag doll.  Thoughts of kids, laundry and housework are NOT allowed into the bedroom during sex (or whichever room in the house or the car or wherever you might be having sex) with your partner!  Focus on the pleasure and allow yourself to let go and meet your partner right where he's touching you.  Make noise!  Make eye contact!  Communicate what you want!  You don't have to try and wake the neighbors, but if you want to, then go for it!  Be in the moment.  House doesn't have to be perfectly clean.  Laundry doesn't have to be done.  Kids don't necessarily need to be in bed, but whatever your preference is.  What I'm saying is, don't wait for the perfect moment to have sex because it will never, excuse the pun, come.  

Guys, as I mentioned in the first blog for the ladies to be sensitive to your feelings when making critiques of things that happen in the bedroom, I know that there are things that we women could improve on as well.  Don't blurt it out or fuss at us while we're in the middle of things.  Wait until there's time set aside and have the discussion.  If necessary, use alcohol prior to said conversation.

There's one other thing that I feel needs to be thrown in there and I know that you're going to roll your eyes when you hear it, but find out what your love language is and what love language your spouse identifies with.  It will be super helpful because what your husband thinks your love language is and what it actually is could be two totally different things.  Same for the wives.  Then you'll be able to speak the same 'language' and hopefully have a more successful sex life and marriage to boot.

This next tip has nothing to do with sex, although almost everything we do in marriage has to do with sex when you think about it.  Do me a favor and look for the good.  Open your eyes to the good in each other because it's so easy to look for the bad.  Usually what you look for is what you'll find.  Don't assume anything, but if you are going to assume, make sure you assume the best about your partner.  You'd like for them to assume the best about you, right?  You'd like for them to see the good in you, so why not try it for them?  When your spouse does something nice for you, write it down or commemorate it mentally or verbally thank them for it.  The small things add up to the big things.  

I know I've said a lot in this blog post and the last one about sex, but I really feel that it boils down to this; it's all mental.  There's a level of self-acceptance that needs to happen first before any of the other things I've written about can happen.  If you don't love yourself or even like yourself, how can you expect to love anyone else?  Do some daily affirmations or devotions and remember that if the God of creation is crazy in love with you, what's stopping you from being in love with yourself?  

Home Town Takeover Couple Continue to be Relationship Goals

 I know I've used the two creators of Home Town as touchpoints for what I call 'light bulb' moments before and gosh darn it if they haven't done it again.  I follow both Erin and Ben Napier on social media and I love them so much.  I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage when you have two imperfect people in it, but from the outside looking in, they seem pretty solid.  They seem to support one another and their personalities and strengths really compliment each other.  

The couple just welcomed their second daughter last week or so ago and by they looks of her most recent social media post since she mentioned the word surgery, I assumed that she probably had a c-section, or possibly an episiotomy.  Those c-sections are tough to recover from.  I would know because I had three of them.  They were each different in their own right, but they were all difficult to heal from because of the needs that the baby has and the needs that you have, etc.  Her post brought back a flood of memories from what I dealt with and it reminded me some of what I was missing in a spouse.  Her post had a picture of Ben giving their new baby a bottle and her caption under the sweet photo read like this:

        "If he's not scooping me up off the sofa as I'm still recovering from surgery, he's mixing a bottle or taking Helen swimming.  And I have kissed him every time he's in arm's reach because I know exactly how lucky we all are.  A reminder for those with spouses: tell them often--"thank you for everything you do for us."  and MEAN IT."

I sat there and stared at my phone screen and I started to cry.  Why?  For a couple of reasons and I'll get into them in more detail in a minute.  First, because of all the feels.  The fact that she has a husband who is willing to 'scoop her off the sofa'?!?  I mean, what woman doesn't want to be scooped off the sofa?  Sign me up for that!  And that she is being so well taken care of by her sweet husband is just so wonderful.  It's such a beautiful picture of how a marriage is supposed to be.  To serve and to be served, but mostly to serve.  That's what is so precious about this picture of the two of them.  I could go on and on.

Now, to the sad part of what made me cry.  I never had that when I had babies.  He helped me when I needed it, but there was no emotion in it except for frustration on his part.  Plus, I was so codependent on him that I couldn't function without him telling me what to do.  However, even with all of that 'hand holding', my ex husband didn't understand the nature of a woman at all.  I think women are still a mystery to him at times.  After reading the caption of the photo, I finally figured out why he never 'scooped me up' off the couch or really gave me the emotional support I needed during those times after having babies or any of the other stuff is because of the fact that a narcissist doesn't have an empathetic bone in their body.  To identify and sympathize with a weakness means that they would be admitting that they, too, have weaknesses and they can't admit that.  That would expose themselves to the world and they can't have that.  They can't let their mask slip off and show the world who they really are.

Every Sunday I Get My Heart Broken

I got my heart broken at church on Sunday.  I get my heart broken at church almost every Sunday when I go.  It's not what you'd think that would break my heart, though, sometimes it is.  Most of the time it's this: I'm divorced and my ex husband and my kids go to the same church as I do.  On the weekends when I have the kids, it's great.  We sit together and love on each other and sing worship songs together.  It's really a treat.  On the weekends that they stay with their dad...it's pretty terrible.  The two younger boys come sit with me and my oldest son stays with his dad.  We essentially live separate lives now and it hurts every time there's a reminder of the separation.

Then, we leave church.  They go home with their dad and my tears start flowing.  Not every time, but almost.  Then the realization of what our marriage counselor warned us about comes to the forefront of my mind and I cry harder.  She told us that divorce was just trading one set of problems for another.  She was right.  She warned my ex husband about how he wouldn't be there to tuck the kids in at night anymore because he wouldn't be at home.  She warned me about not really being 'free' from my ex husband which is what I wanted more than anything during our counseling sessions.  She was right about all of it.

The other part of this that's so heartbreaking is that no matter what I do or say or how healthy I am as an individual, my ex husband will never change.  I will never have the marriage I dreamed of as a young bride with my new spouse because of his narcissistic tendencies.  Our union will never be an emotionally healthy one and we prove it each time we try and have a discussion or a conversation about anything as it relates to the kids or with, dun-dun-dun; MONEY.  Those two topics are nearly as hotly contested as the topic of who was to blame for the demise of our relationship.  I'm pretty sure you can guess he expects me to shoulder the blame for that.  

I did do that for a long time, though.  I blamed myself for everything and took responsibility for everything and apologized for, yep, EVERYTHING.  When I met my previous therapist, she said her first order of business, or one of the first, was to eliminate the words, 'I'm sorry' from my vocabulary.  It's true.  And I rarely use those words anymore.  I might say, 'I apologize', or 'my mistake' or something along those lines, but nearly never say 'I'm sorry' anymore.  It does make a difference, you know.  It helps with self esteem issues because to me, I'm essentially saying that I'm sorry.  I'm a sorry individual, and that's not true.  But I digress.

I do know this; I know that divorce hurts.  It hurts everyone involved and it's not something I set out to do.  Never thought I'd say the words, 'I'm divorced', or 'my ex husband'.  Never.  Life doesn't always turn out the way that you expect it will, though.  I wanted God to heal my marriage for the longest time, but it takes two people, two healthy people, to heal a marriage with God's help.  There was only one of us who wanted to make it happen; me.  

If you are married, with or without kids, I implore you to try and stay married.  The alternative is not good. Measure your heart; not your spouses because no one can.  Find counseling help if it's needed.  Try to stay consistent with your relationship as much as possible.  I know things fall by the wayside because, well, because life happens.  Get back up and try again.  Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself.  Let grace abound.  Channel the love from the Lord that you have and let it flow through you to your family.  You won't regret it, no matter what.

Ladies, Have Sex With Your Husbands

Ladies, this post is for you.  I know that this may be a little bit forward of me, but I feel that it's necessary to post.  

Have sex with your husbands.  

Yep, there it is.  Now, you may be reeling from that a little bit, but the man in your life wants to have sex with...YOU.  Men need sex to feel connected to their wife.  They need physical touch and affirmation from you.  Did you know that God created sex for our pleasure? Sex is not dirty or wrong or bad; it's meant to be had within the confines of a marriage.

Plenty has been done by the enemy to pervert the act of sex.  Matter of fact, every good and perfect thing that God created, Satan has perverted.  Drugs are meant for healing our bodies, but people 'abuse' drugs, thereby perverting the goodness of the medicine in which God intended it for.  Same with sex.  Sex was meant to be enjoyed by a man and a woman within the confines of a marriage.  Not to be perverted by sleeping with someone you're not married to or sleeping with your neighbor's spouse.  Or to watch pornography instead of laying with your spouse.  That was never God's design for us.

God's design was that a man would leave his mother and father and that the two shall become one flesh.  That's right.  Penis inserted into vagina type of one flesh.  There are other ways to become one flesh, but this is a post about sex, so, I went there first.  It also says in the Bible that we shouldn't deny each other access to our bodies.  So, ladies, none of this, I'm too tired or I have a headache.  Guys, you either.  This physical connection that your husband desires is critical to the health of your marriage.  You can't have a healthy marriage without it!  

Now, conversely, the marriage CANNOT be all about sex!  This is for the guys, now; your wife craves emotional satisfaction and emotional security.  If you can't give that to her, then she is less likely to give herself to you.  As my therapist used to say, "if you want good loving at night, you better start in the morning."  Ladies are most like a crockpot, guys.  We need to be warmed up throughout the day.  Foreplay is more than just a physical act because women are cerebral.  Again, back to the emotional security and satisfaction.  Give her a kiss good morning and tell her she's beautiful even if she has morning breath.  (Or whatever it is that works for you) That's sure to start things off on the right foot.

Ladies, accept the compliment!  Don't dismiss it by saying, (or thinking) "My hair is a mess and my breath is awful!  How can I be beautiful?!?"  Now, it's your turn to reciprocate.  Tell him something equally kind or maybe amp it up and say something a little bit suggestive.  He will be intrigued, I assure you.  Keep the flirtation up throughout the day.  Do it for each other, not just so one of you will feel gratified because it's about both of your physical and emotional satisfaction.

Ladies, TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU LIKE!  It may be hard or awkward, but men by and large want to please you!  I mean, if you're faking your way through it and would like to reach a real, actual pinnacle, you've got to speak up!  If he asks you to do something you're not comfortable doing, speak up about that, too.  Be gentle with any criticisms, though, and don't do it while you're in the middle of the act.  Find time to set aside to discuss this topic when you're relaxed or maybe have had a few drinks to take the edge off.  Sometimes that's necessary and perfectly fine, by the way.  

One more for the ladies and then I'll stop picking on you; your man loves you just the way you are, stretch marks and all.  Do you have breasts?  Yep.  Do you have an ass?  Yep.  Do you have a vagina?  Yep.  Looks like you're all set to go!  Do you have the perfect body?  Nope.  Do you have beautifully perky breasts?  Nope.  Do you have a tight, perky ass?  Nope.  That's OKAY!  Your man loves you just the way you are, so stop second guessing yourself and insisting that the lights are always off.  Surprise him and leave the lights on!  Wear something sexy to bed!  He loves the way you look!  And if he doesn't, he's a selfish asshole and he might need to do a little soul searching of his own.

Guys, make sure that your wife knows that she is the star of the show.  Period.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to incorporate pornography into the bedroom.  It should always be about your wife.  Caress her and stroke her hair and tell her you love her and that she's beautiful.  That stuff works!  It may seem cheesy, but if you are in the habit of doing that outside the bedroom and she enjoys it, then incorporate it in the bedroom.  It's called 'making love' for a reason, ya know.

Look, I realize that every situation and every couple is different.  These are simply suggestions and I'm not a licensed therapist.  A lot of the stuff I'm putting down here is stuff that would have helped me with my marriage, honestly.  Also some of the things I'm saying NOT to do is some of what transpired over the course of my marriage that hindered us from having a healthy sex life.  These posts are very personal and I hope you'll appreciate that I'm coming from a genuine place of concern for the well being of the covenant of marriage, because y'all need you some Jesus and probably some sex, too!

Be Doers and Not Just Hearers

 As I've been going through this divorce and spending time alone on the weekends, I've found out some things about myself that I didn't know before: I really like spending time alone!   I'm not intimidated by going to restaurants alone anymore.  I take a book and get cozy in the back corner booth and eat my food and enjoy my book.  

I also enjoy lighting candles and arranging flowers while listening to music.  I knew these things about myself already, but these are things that I wasn't really able to do while married because the candles gave off scents and my ex husband didn't like the smell of candles.  Lighting candles really set the mood for my activities and listening to music keeps my mind occupied.  My mind is occupied with healthy thoughts and peace, which is kind of new for me.

I also feel warm and fuzzy on the inside most of the time.  I know that sounds weird, but I feel so safe and at peace and I wish I could share that feeling with everyone around me.  This is the only way I know how to share it is through written word.  I just love God and myself and my kids and family and all of those around me.  My house feels like a safe haven and I'm so thankful for that.  I really like myself now.  I have been working on myself for a while now, mentally and physically.  

I like to think that I'm in detox mode.  My mind and my spirit and my soul are detoxing from all of the narcissism that was so prevalent in my married life.  It's sad because I do really still care for my ex husband and in all honesty, I feel sorry for him that he will never know what true love feels like.  I wrote this journal entry as a kind of letter to him although I won't let him read it, this is what it says:

    "At some point in your life someone hurt you and that caused you to feel like you had to build a wall around your heart.  It also caused you to want to try and control all of your world in order to feel safe and you got used to that way of life.  There was no way for me to know that before we got married.  You continued that way of life into our marriage and even now that is still how you do things.  Your parents stunted your emotional growth as a child and I am heart broken for you.  Now it's up to you to pick up the broken pieces of your childhood and find peace in the future."

Now, will that happen?  As much as I'd like for it to, no, it won't.  My ex husband will never find peace or love or acceptance.  Do you know why?  Narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies don't love themselves. They present a different side to the world, though.  They act super confident when deep inside they don't think that they are worthy or loveable.  It kind of reminds me of a scripture verse found in the book of James.  It goes like this: "Anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."-James 1:23-24

The reason that makes me think of a narcissist is because that's essentially what they do.  In my opinion, if they could accept the love of Christ in a real, tangible way that they wouldn't feel unloved and unworthy.  They wouldn't stay in that state and thereby treat others with disdain and contempt.  They would be able to celebrate the successes of others without feeling threatened and they would know that they are worthy of the sacrifice God made by sending his only son to die for our sins on the cross.

Sometimes it's not only narcissists who feel this way, though.  I think from time to time we can all feel less than worthy of the cross or we can allow ourselves to do some 'stinking thinking' that will allow us to wallow in self pity.  The difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we've made that intimate connection with Jesus to know that we can shake off the mistakes of the past and accept forgiveness with open arms.  And all of God's children say, "Amen."

Unshackled: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

 Divorcing a narcissist is hard.  Period.  No two ways about it.  Each time I have to deal with my narcissist ex husband, even though his playbook is the same, it's nearly just as difficult as the time before.  However, the good news is that I'm learning something new each time we have to interact.  Then it helps me prepare for the next encounter that we have and though I may not get any better at the interactions, I can see them for what they are and it doesn't take me as long to get through it and come out on the other side.

Narcissists are extremely selfish people and they project their selfishness onto others, my situation is no different.  Thing is, I know that I'm not a selfish person.  I know I can be, heck, anyone can be at times, but I think that for the most part I'm a very giving and caring person.  He also likes to throw my mistakes in my face and there's no point in defending myself because then it starts a whole tangent of conversation and you get all twisted up in their web of lies and entrapments and you can't break free.

I had such an interaction with the narcissist I used to be married to last Friday morning.  More of the same tactics; blame and shame, guilt, projection, gaslighting, etc.  He's never held accountable for his actions.  He went so far as to say that I need to set up some structure for the kids while they're at home this summer while I'm holding down a full time job.  I asked my kids what they did yesterday at their dad's house while HE was at work.  Guess what?  No structure and plenty of television and video games to go around.  Do as I say, not as I do is another narcissist mantra and my ex knows that one far too well.

He saw that behavior modeled by his parents and it stuck with him.  His parents and his grandparents are the reason that he lives as a narcissist.  His mother was emotionally absent from his childhood and his father, in my estimation was a narcissist himself.  You can't tell them that, though.  You can't tell a narcissist how they operate because they'll deny it until the cows come home.  They'll also take that opportunity to throw their bad behavior in your face as though you were the perpetrator; also known as gaslighting.  

Now here's where I find myself in the healing process, and trust me, it's been a process.  I need to stop caring what he thinks of me.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm a bad mom.  Just because he thinks that of me doesn't make it true.  I need to stop caring that he thinks I'm an awful human being because I know that isn't true, either.  I also need to stop caring that he accused me of being selfish because, again, that's an untrue statement.  I'm trying my best to be patient with myself because I know I've come a long way.

Loving Myself Back to Life

 I am a huge fan of the home makeover show called Home Town.  They also have a show called Home Town Takeover where the two hosts of Home Town, married couple Ben and Erin Napier have adopted the town of Wetumpka, Alabama in an effort to revitalize their town.  They said something on the show tonight and it really hit home with me.  They said of their efforts in the little town that "they were loving the town back to life."

I have just left an abusive relationship.  Not physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally abusive at the hands of a narcissist.  There are a number of things that categorize the relationship I was in as narcissistic abuse, none of which I care to get into at the moment.  However, I bring that up to show you how I relate to the quote of loving the town back to life.  At this point in my life, I feel I am doing that right now, "loving myself back to life."

In a relationship with a narcissist, the victim loses their selves in an effort to appease the abuser.  I was no different.  I assumed that his happiness meant that I would get to be happy, but it never was to be.  The goal post always moved and the rules always changed in order to keep me off balance, which is pretty standard for someone with narcissistic tendencies.  It was rough.  It still is, unfortunately.  However, I am finally separate from him and I'm finally able to start really focusing on my emotional and mental health.

I don't like sharing custody of my three boys with their dad, but it has to be done.  Although I miss them when their gone, I enjoy spending time alone.  Like a lot.  I find that I'm in the moment a lot more than I ever was before.  I'm able to relish the moment because I'm not constantly worrying about pleasing him or wondering what he's going to do or say next.  I also have discovered that I love myself and I am worthy of love and safety.  I feel safe in my own space and home now.

My kids and I have a happy, peaceful home now.  This divorce has been full of lessons.  One of the  lessons about my ex husband and his relationship with the kids is this; I can't protect them from each other.  I know while their dad was living at home, I did step in between them and their dad because I was worried about the affect he would have on them.  I think I also protected my ex husband from the kids, too.  I can't really describe how, but I did.  Now, there's no more protecting done on my part.  All I can do is be an anchor for my kids of the truth and to remind them that they are loved and worthy and forgiven.

When living with a narcissist, there is no grace offered whatsoever.  Perfection is the name of the game and anything less than perfection is a reflection on the narcissist, or they take it that way.  It's brutal and I have tried to be the total opposite of this with my kids.  I am completely real and apologize to them if I've hurt their feelings in hopes that they will see that I'm real and I'm not perfect and that perfection is not the goal.  

I feel like I'm bursting with love now and I can't wait to share it with others.  I lavish love on my kids with physical affection like hugs and kisses (when my teenage boys will let me) and I encourage them and prod them to do their best.  I am also filled with more gratitude than before and I see the good in people more than I did before.  I also don't put quite so much pressure on myself as I used to because I used to internalize the pressure that my ex husband would put on himself and on me and the kids.  That was a lot of stress and was very unhealthy.  

Divorce is hard, but I honestly feel that this was the only option for me and my kids to get healthy and to find peace.  Finally being free to "love ourselves back to life".  Glory to God.

Adulting IS Hard

They say that adulting is hard.  Who is 'they', anyway?  I don't know if we'll ever know the answer to that, but it still stands that being an adult is hard.  What does it mean to be an adult?  Well, beyond the physical actions that you see adults engaging in such as working a full-time job, paying bills and balancing a budget/checkbook, there's an emotional aspect that comes with being an adult as well. Like????

Well, generally adults don't throw temper tantrums.  (I'm looking at you, Occupy Movement.)  There's this little thing called self-control and as an adult, if you want to be successful, you have to build that self-control muscle.  I could even go so far as to say it's called self-control for a reason and not 'others-control' because you are the only person on this planet that you can control.  Remember that.  Others will do things you don't like, but it's up to you to handle your own emotions and deal with them wisely.  That looks different for everyone I'm sure, however, if  you want to live at the mercy of others, by all means, ride every wave of feelings that comes into your head.  Let me know how that works for you.

You are responsible for your own happiness.  Period.  There isn't one other person on this planet now or previously that is or was responsible for your happiness.  No one can make you 'feel' a certain way.  You allow it or you don't.  So, you have to be careful on that front, too.  You could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so good'.  That's only because you accept their behavior and process it as good.  On the other hand, you could say that your partner or spouse makes you 'feel so bad'.  That's because of the way you process it.  Now, there are people out there with abusive behaviors, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Adulting means that we have needs and we are aware of who can meet them.  We have emotional needs, physical needs, and spiritual needs.  Some of those needs others can meet, some of which we have to meet on our own.  For example, you feed yourself, right?  You shop for, prepare and cook food to physically feed your body.  However, you cannot hug yourself.  Only others can do that.  Some emotional needs that we have can be met by ourselves.  There's a constant internal conversation that we have with ourselves.  I think that is where we have the ability to turn it around for ourselves emotionally.  Training the internal voice and tweaking the conversation that we hold is major.  In the spiritual department, we all have a need for God.  There's a God shaped hole in our hearts and minds that only God can fill.  When we realize that we have to take up our cross and work out our OWN salvation, that's when we can start to work with God to fill that hole.  Nobody here on earth can do that for you.  Pastors and priests and clergy can point you to God, but they are not God themselves.  

Here's where I think a lot of relationships go bad.  Marriages, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, parent/child relationships, etc. all start to fail when we start to put the needs that we can meet for ourselves and the ones that only God can meet onto others.  Doing so is a recipe for disaster.  These become an unrealistic expectation in a relationship, which furthers the recipe for disaster.  There are other expectations that become unrealistic as well; unspoken expectations.  When we don't ask for what we want or need, things can definitely start to go sideways.  There are also some caveats to this scenario, but that is also another topic for another day.

If you're in a relationship with any of these tendencies on your part or the part of your partner, it's not too late to change these.  It's going to take some work, but depending on the situation, it might be worth it to put in the work to reverse these bad behaviors.  Again, you are responsible for YOUR behaviors and working on yourself.  You should not accept responsibility for anyone else even if they insist that you are the person solely responsible for their happiness.  That's a red flag and it might be time to reevaluate things.  

So, yes, being an adult is hard because not only do you have the physical, outward responsibilities to take care of, you have the responsibility to keep your emotional health in check, and only YOU can do that for yourself.  I feel like Smokey the Bear, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires.", except it should be a different tagline of, "Only YOU can prevent emotional self-destruction.".  Or something.  

  

What's Your 'Rock-n-Roll'?

 

You might not know this about me, but I'm a music lover.  I enjoy all kinds of music, some of which happens to fall under the heavy metal category. Bands like Metallica, Led Zepplin, and AC/DC round out some of my favorite metal bands, and they of course find their way into the rotation on my playlists for workout music, and today was no exception.  I was on an AC/DC jag today and I was thinking, as I often do on the treadmill about a myriad of things, however, I kept noticing a theme in the titles of the AC/DC songs.

The word 'rock' kept popping up.  "For Those About to Rock", "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" and "It's a Long Way to the Top (if you wanna rock and roll)".  Now, the band was either largely unoriginal when coming up with song titles, or they had a theme they were going for.  Personally, I think it was a theme.  I've loved "For Those About to Rock" for a long time and since I became involved politically I've always wanted to use it in a parody in order to encourage others to vote.  For Those About to Vote, we salute you!  Right?  I still think it's a good idea.  Not quite as edgy as the most recent voter turnout video titled, "Get your booty to the polls".  Just Google it, bro...

Back to my original point, you could technically substitute whatever verb you wanted in where the word 'rock' appears in those titles and song lyrics.  Thus the title of this blog, What's YOUR rock-n-roll?  "It's a Long Way to the Top (if you wanna succeed in your personal life and your marriage)."  YOU fill in the blank.  "For Those About to Pursue Health and Wellness", we salute you!  If you're doing something or reaching for something in life that no one approves of and you want to give them the middle finger and tell them to step off, "Getting Fit and Healthy Ain't Noise Pollution".  Whatever you want it to be, then it is just that.  

The sky's the limit on this.  I too am a themed individual.  I love themed parties and giving themed gifts to people.  So, if you'll notice the things I subbed in for the words 'rock-n-roll' are things I'm personally working on.  I'm pursuing health and wellness and wanting to succeed in my personal life and, well, with my relationship with my kids.  I'm also getting fit and healthy, which is just another way of saying that I'm pursuing health and wellness, I guess.  

So ask yourself today, what is MY rock-n-roll?  You might be surprised by the answer...

Be The Spark

Hello, readers!  It's been a while since I've posted anything here on the Jesus blog.  If you're a Facebook friend of mine, you probably know the big reason that I've gone radio silent is because I'm getting a divorce.  My twenty-three year marriage has come to an end and it has been devastatingly sad.  I sometimes am so sad I can't think straight and I'm not exaggerating.  You know, it's in times like these, during great loss, whether it be through death or a divorce or some other catastrophic event in ones life, you find yourself (or others) doing things differently or perhaps doing something you never thought you might.  

Everyone copes or handles their grief in various ways.  Some people want to be left alone, some people eat their feelings, some people want to be surrounded with friends to help them grieve, some people turn to God to deepen their faith and some develop hobbies or throw themselves into work.  Some people drink or turn to drugs to cope, you get the idea.  I've probably done a little of all of those, except for the drugs part save for a few Advil here and there.  That, my friends, brings me to where I am today to write this particular post for your reading pleasure.

I've been working hard or harder than before at discipling my kids.  I thought I was pretty good at it, but looking back, I'm not so sure I was.  Until this year when I made a conscious decision to sit down with the kids every night to read the Bible and pray with them.  It's a work in progress, but it's a good start, if I do say so myself.  We've had fits and starts and some days when we haven't sat down and read together, but when we miss a day, we just do it the next day.  No big deal.  

I went to church on Sunday and listened to the message.  I almost always listen to the message unless I'm distracted by my own thoughts, but this Sunday, my mind was quiet and I was paying attention to Pastor Bailiff.  He came up with this amazing but simple concept for our lesson and it was titled, "The Mind of Christ."  I have to tell you, it was profound because it was foundational.  It was so basic, but it was like he was giving me the building blocks to a foundation for a solid relationship with Jesus.  I was so glad that I was there for it.

The first principle was that the mind of Christ is a pursuit.  You have to take action if you want a relationship with Christ.  The first step is to make a profession of faith, but you have to take up your cross daily and work on that relationship.  

Second principle was that the mind of Christ is a choice.  He cited Colossians 3:1-2 that says, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

Last principle is that the mind of Christ is a transformation.  Romans 12: 1-2 is our reference point for this and it reads, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This was a huge jumping off point for me to dive into the Word of God with my kids and a starting point to kind of overhaul our original approach to studying the Bible together.  I hope that this serves as an encouragement to you to start something wonderful with your family as well.  Be the spark.   

What's Love Got to Do With...Codependency?

Codependency is defined by Mental Health America as, "an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Codependency is not an 'issue' that often takes center stage in the likes of commercials, movies, music, television shows or the typical 1980's PSA movement.  When we hear the word 'codependent', we automatically think of alcoholics or drug addicts and the relationships they find themselves in with their substance of choice.  Or it refers to the spouse or family member of an addict.  There is codependency without alcohol or drugs involved.  People can find themselves addicted to a relationship; a husband and wife, or a child/parent relationship.  Not only has it not been something that's been discussed, I think that subliminally society has perpetuated it on some level.

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I think that there are lots of underlying messages in songs, movies, commercials, and social media, all of which parents have been or should be concerned about and lots of those issues have been addressed in some way or another.  I remember as a kid passing through the living room while Tipper Gore droned on in the background about labeling cassette tapes for explicit language in music. Movies and reality television shows often showcase issues like pregnancy out of wedlock (I'm looking at you, Candice Bergen of Murphy Brown), abortion, drug use, smoking, etc to desensitize the public to these issues, even though some of them are wrong in the eyes of God.

Commercials also obviously work their way into our psyche with messages about products and foods and clothes.  "Buy this and you'll look beautiful."  "Eat this and lose weight."  Music also plays a HUGE role in shaping who we are.  The messages they send out are so subliminal, though, that sometimes we don't even know that our minds are being shaped or molded by what we're listening to.

My journey to become more healthy mentally started about five years ago.  I was first introduced to the word codependency in a very real way when I discovered that my husband and I were in a codependent relationship.  Neither one of us has substance abuse issues, but we have self-esteem issues.  That was a light bulb moment for me.  I wish I had paid a bit more attention to it then, but my eyes had definitely been opened.  As it says on the Mental Health America website, the first step is to understand the problem.  Then you'll need to educate yourself on the issue so that you can 'unlearn' those behaviors.

As I've been going through this journey of self-discovery and learning to implement more of the healthy behaviors I've learned in therapy, I started to wonder if there could have been more of an accurate message in the depiction of love and marriage interwoven into the movies and messages and songs produced over the years.  What we hear on the radio at times and see in the movies is completely unrealistic.  We start off as little girls dreaming of Prince Charming when we watch Cinderella and Snow White.  We start to believe that a man is going to rescue us and take care of us for the rest of our lives.  It's not just movies for children that perpetuate this idea; adult movies do the same thing.

We hear on the movies lines like, "You complete me."  Sounds good and all the females in the audience swoon, but I'm here to remind you, that's not love.  That's called codependency.  When you rely on others, or someone relies on you, for their identity of their sense of worth, you've got a problem.  This is something I wish was discussed more often in Hollywood circles, but sadly, that doesn't sell tickets, so, yeah.

So besides this Jesus blog being a place to share my own personal faith and my journey to being a better version of Kelly, I would love for this to be a place for practical application as well.  If  any of what I've written about sounds familiar to you, but you aren't sure if you're in a codependent relationship, click this link here to read through a list of qualifiers of what constitutes one.  If you are in an unhealthy relationship, if you are contemplating marriage, (or a divorce), I would encourage you to see a licensed marriage counselor or an individual counselor to get the help you need.  Please also remember that there's absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.

What's Love Got to do With it?

Today something hit me really hard between the eyes. I think it may have been love. Can love hit you between the eyes? I heard these words in my head, “Love is daring greatly”. I really believe that. When we open ourselves up to others in love, we are taking a chance. We are daring greatly.

For example, when we are dating someone and we feel the urge to say those three little words we all long to hear, sometimes we hold back. What’s the reason? What holds us back? I’ll tell you what holds us back; fear. Fear of rejection more specifically. However, when we do find the courage to muster up the words, it feels like time stands still a little bit. What's the reason? You’re waiting to hear them said to you in return usually. It doesn’t matter, though really what the other person says back to you because you dared greatly.

It says in 1 John 4:16-19, “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

Perfect love drives out fear. What does that have to do with daring greatly? Everything, actually. What I am sure of is that God is perfect and His will for us is to abide in His perfect love. Therefore, if you're abiding in his love, then you should have nothing to fear. No matter the circumstances of the world around us. No matter the pain or heartache you may be experiencing. No matter if you have a job or not. No matter if you’re married or divorced or single.

Even though we aren’t perfect, his power is made perfect in our weakness. In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Jesus tells us, “...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Now I get it when Apostle Paul says that, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

What if we made mistakes because we weren’t secure in who we were in God? What if we weren’t allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell in us because we were filled with fear and other things that made it impossible for the Spirit to reside and dwell and flow through you? What if we trusted God completely and totally and humbly through EVERYTHING? How much better off would we be? What if we tried compassion? What if we tried to see things from other’s point of view?

I've written about this several times on the Jesus blog as I'm calling it. I could write about love every day for the rest of my life and I could write something different about it every time. Most important thing to note or write, though, is that God is love. That's the truth. Not some cheesy, hackneyed phrase, either. You can take that to the bank.

Unlock Your Faith and Your Potential With Wholehearted Living

"You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending."-C. S. Lewis  

Before the words above are dismissed, read them again.  And again.  And then one more time.  I can't promise that you'll 'get them' right away, but when you do, you will have unlocked your life.  Allow me to explain.

I read these words at a counselor's office and I fought hard against them.  It was like I was being visually assaulted, quite honestly.  At the time, I tried to shake off the words because I was uncomfortable on the inside.  You know the saying that once you've seen something you can't unsee it?  I couldn't unsee the words.  Even though at the time I couldn't fathom putting them into practice, that's what I want to share with you now; my journey of applying those words to my life.

Five years later,,,yes, FIVE years, I was given a book by the same therapist with that then ridiculous sign in her waiting room called, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown.  I held onto this book for a while.  Not five years, but almost a year.  I started reading it and I just couldn't focus on it, so I put it down for a while.  I came back to it and made a conscious decision to dive in, and boy, am I glad I did.

In this book, she explains what she calls "wholehearted living", and she outlines the 'how-to' in what she calls guideposts; ten of them in all.  You've got to read this book to really appreciate the way it's written and the impact it can have on your life.  Here are my takeaways, and I'm sharing them with you because it's just so darn exciting for me because I honestly didn't think that what I've experienced was possible for me.

I've always had a problem with perfectionism and trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be.  I'm a people pleaser, okay?  Self-proclaimed, even, meaning that I now own that part of me.  Since reading the book, I now know that I CAN own ALL parts of my personality and coping mechanisms without shame.  That, my friends, is some powerful elixir you can't find in a bottle or in a drug.

See, owning your story to me is the first step towards making meaningful changes in your life.  You've got to own YOUR story, nobody else can do it for you.  Let's don't forget that you can't own anyone else's story, either.  They have to do that on their own, too.  After you can own your story, you can really start to 'let go' of the things that you used to wish didn't exist in your life; habits and traits that you once loathed now sort of vanish, if you will, and your left with this feeling of actually loving yourself; your whole self, not just parts of it.  Wholehearted living.  Duh.

She talks about shame and how we should talk about our shame with someone that is worthy of hearing our shame stories.  It's almost like confessing to someone and allowing them inside of your world just for a moment.  This is something I was hesitant to do because as humans, we're messy.  I was honestly worried if I let someone else into my world, they would want to welcome me into their world, and I wasn't sure that was something I could handle.

Now, I welcome it.  I'm glad to have that kind of connection with someone.  It was honestly something that I was missing out on.  Being vulnerable can be scary, but also very freeing.  The other HUGE thing that this book did was it really helped me to unlock my faith in Christ.  It helped me to forgive myself  and others, which is something that the Bible calls us to do.  This book allows you to separate the behavior of a person from the person themselves which is also related to forgiving.  This book works hand in hand with the Bible.  It's just amazing.

So, back to that quote at the beginning of this blog/diary entry, about making a brand new ending.  I can totally do that now, thanks to my therapist and the wonderful practice of wholehearted living.  I find myself now wanting this idea of wholehearted living to really catch fire because it really unlocks your potential.  I want everyone I know to get on the wholehearted living train.  You'll be glad you did.  Join me, won't you?

Gender Reassingment and Parental Rights

What would you say is a parent's worst nightmare?  Probably having to bury their child, whether the child is grown or passed away in utero.  It's a devastating prospect, no?  I can think of something almost as horrific; losing the right to be involved in life changing decisions made by said child.   

Think of it.  You're a good parent by your own estimation, and I think a lot of us are.  You don't starve your kids, you make sure they have clean clothes and hot food on the table.  You also offer a stable routine and emotional support when it's needed.  You don't beat them or deprive them of the essentials, so, yeah; good.

So imagine your surprise when you find out that your child is planning, or in some cases, has already gone through gender reassignment surgery.  Without your consent or knowledge.  It's happening, people.  School counselors and officials will often encourage the child's so called gender dysphoria and if that wasn't bad enough, they refuse to tell the parents about their child's desire to now be referred to by the opposite gender pronoun to which they were assigned at birth.  Say what?!?

I have been a parental rights advocate for some time now, and I get a filtered report of all things parental rights; those that happen in the United States and those abroad.  Sadly, America is not the bastion of freedom it once was and the comparison of what happens in other countries is not too different to what happens to parents here on our own turf.  So, today when I opened my notifications, I saw an article that caught my eye, "Gender transitions for kids easier than tonsillectomies: What about parental rights?"

In the article it describes several cases just as the one(s) I cited above.  Some of the schools got their directives from none other than the Obama administration via a letter which encouraged school districts to affirm transgender students.  However, the Obama administration wasn't and isn't the only force behind those affirmations.  The LGBT Human Rights campaign and their activists teamed up with the National Education Agency to step in and provide guidelines for those students who showed signs of gender dysphoria.  All without involving the parents.

The article also mentions that sometimes children make claims like this is because sometimes they feel pressured to do so; maybe because lots of friends did and they want to be part of the trend.  Life changing decisions are being made on a whim.  Yikes.

Obviously, this is a huge intrusion into our rights as parents.  How do we prevent things like this from happening?  I'd like to think that it starts with us, the parent.  Be involved in your child's school if you can.  Talk to counselors and administrators to show them you're an involved parent.  And above all else, pray for your child.  We can all agree that we need us some Jesus now and always.

How Teddy Roosevelt Teaches Us About Relationships

Teddy Roosevelt once said in his famous speech, "Citizenship in a Republic",

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I used to think that he was referring to the realm of politics with this quote, because that's where I first heard it.  I used to envision two men, probably political candidates, entering a boxing ring; their fists up, ready to spar for the course of the campaign.  I was once one of those 'men' because I, too entered the ring of candidacy.  Unfortunately, the voting populous didn't think that I was the person for the job, and a few of my friends shared this quote with me.  I used it as a salve for my wounds and it helped me to realize that I had been brave to step into the ring, no matter what the outcome.

However, I got to thinking today that I could have been wrong about that assumption.  Let me explain why I think that I'm wrong.  I think that this not only could be applicable to the political world.  No, I think it refers to relationships that we find ourselves in; husband and wife, mother and son, friendships, etc.  The list goes on.

I think when Mr. Roosevelt refers to 'daring greatly', I imagine he's referring to vulnerability.  I think that to be open and to actually try to make relationships work, we do have to remove our masks and show ourselves as we are, no mater how difficult or painful it could be.  We all risk rejection everyday when we share our hearts with our loved ones.  For that reason alone, we can all agree that relationships are messy.

I know some of those who don't dare at all, and even though being open and vulnerable hurts sometimes, I imagine that not trying at all would cause an ache inside that's far worse.  If you aren't susceptible, you'll never know how good the relationship could have been.  So, I pray that you're not the critic; that no matter how bloody you get, that you're the one in the ring daring greatly.